Comment Please. Please Comment.

TO WHOEVER IS NOT CONCERNED:

Some bloggers are born. Some are created. And then, some are thrust on you.

I have been lying low for quite some time now, blogging only once in a while. And there was an irrefutable reason to it. Whom do I write for? I had a strong itch that I am rapidly trending towards the third category. Hence, the "pause" over the past 5-6 months, even though several Bollywood actors have been wanting scripts from me.

But, I diagnosed it wrong. It is not me who needs to go to sleep. It is for me to "awaken" the billions missing the fortune by not visiting my blogsite!!

I am always heart-broken when my posts fail to gather the footfalls eyeballs. Of course, I feel further alienated when my posts don't garner enough applause from non-commenting visitors, who have nothing better to do than systematically discourage blog-posts that seem pointless or useless to them. I sincerely apologize for the lack of amusement that my posts cause to my handful of readers.

However, you need to remember that it is your fundamental right under this dysfunctional democracy to visit blogsites that you don't like on a regular basis. And, it is also your fundamental duty to record your dissatisfaction or anger with the content that bloggers like me try to pass off as master-pieces.

Hence, it is important that when you visit my posts, do leave your footprint comments.

Comment Please. Please Comment.

Yours Desperately,

If I were a baby again....

Me Baby again!! The attack of the Adopto-maniacs!!

CIRCA 2020
We were living in curious times. A Hindu Right-wing organization deduced that the Rig Veda was rigged!! This innocuous piece of diatribe sent shivers through the heavens. No God had ever been accused of corruption. They had been accused by the human race of inefficiency, procrastination and favoritism, but never of corruption!!

For someone who had been ruining running the universe for a dog light-years, Brahma decided to restart from scratch, and re-build an earth that would not have wars, crimes, politics, pollution... etc.... and not even 'corrupt Gods' etc. One of his trainee interns suggested that babies are the most pristine form of human beings, and may be, the new world should have only babies as the citizens. Brahma liked the concept and forwarded the note to the United Gods' Commission. To jump the story short, the resolution was finally accepted in the United Gods' Convention.

Some Gods - especially the Chinese ones - were horrified at the thought and so they decided to do it step by step - 'baby-fy' the least productive and most boring country first and see how this 'Pilot' worked. That's how India's citizens were destined to a transformation into BABIES. A ray of bright light dawned on 1st Jan 2020 and BIFF!! India was a "Baby Country" now - a populace of 1.5 billion babies, yours truly included. That is approximately the number of Christians and Muslims and Hindus and Muslim apologists and Hindu apologists (and other apologists and miscellanea ad nausea) India will have in 2020. In fact, we were faced with a Baby Crisis... .. and other assorted crisis. For example, I was a baby, and my father and my grandfather were babies too - and there was no generation gap!!

Switch to a tense present tense in Circa 2020
Apparently, the universe is flooded with rumours that this has excited Angelina Jolie Pitt. Given the plentiful choice available now, the serial-baby-adoption-maniac is interested in adopting her next kid from India. We are still dealing with a 'sources said' gossip, but it sounds pretty believable. Angelina has been known to adopt kids from craziest of places and already owns an island full of babies. Casting some Indian extras in her household will provide a cutting-edge balance to the ethnic-mix.

Full-page advertisements were published in leading as well as mis-leading dailies. My dad got interested in the deal, "This sounds good!! We have the opportunity of a lifetime to get rid of this white elephant, ....with due apologies to the elephants!!", he remarked pointing at me. "Well... even I would not mind letting Angelina adopt you, father. Mind it, you are a baby too now. But then, the last thing I want is to have Angelina as my grandmom. So, pardon you!!", I retorted. "It was hell bringing him up for 30 years. And, we can't start all over again!!", my father sounded my mom, wrapping me in onion-like layers of the new diaper, "And... ...let me tell you that the society is fed of this leech; and he may as well try enriching the American culture with his blasphemous habits. "

On the auspicious day, some of the most disposable babies were crib-lined for Angelina to choose from. I was positioned in the 7th crib from left. Apparently, Angelina Jolie got immediately attracted to my crib, because to my pot-belly protruding four-fifth outwards. "This baby is huge! Was he ever small at any point of his lifetime?", she asked looking at me. Before she could proceed, Hollywood's latest adopto-phile, Madonna appeared in a yogic posture demanding the first right to rejection. "You zee, I have a more durable relationzhip with Indhiaa, and this particular boy - whatzhhis name... ...emm... Sudarzhan... should be under my care." This let loose another public brawl between Angelina and Madonna, with both of them pulling my arms in opposite directions, unconcerned of my writhing pain. As an adult, driven by my hormonal instincts, I would have lusted for this 'affection'. But in a 'babified form', these were menacing and painful advances. I looked around, and saw rest of the babies in the far corner. The pain of the two Holly-ladies slugging over me was unbearable, and for the first time in my life, I wanted to be a 'common man'.... oops... 'common baby'.

It is the third day now, and the marathon slugfest on my adoption continues into a still-unfolding story. I am just now sorting through a whole mine-field of convolutions and grappling with a stir-fry of emoticons. For example, I have forgotten whose baby I am except that I know I am a baby now. I can still see my father - a fellow baby now - thoroughly enjoying the Almighty's successful biological experiment that has pushed me into this weird, traumatic, psychological complication. Arrghhhh....

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This post was published by me as a part of the Blog-a-Ton 4, the fourth edition of the online marathon of Bloggers; and - needless to mention - was a loser hands-down. The fellow Blog-a-Tonics, most of whom did better than me in this event and links to their respective posts can be checked here. My personal suggestion will be to never ever visit or follow Blog-a-Ton.

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The futile arrest of Sudarshan (or was it his Alter-ego???)...

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The Times of iNDIA, Circa 2010: Sudarshan Bengani, an irreverent blogger has been arrested on charges of spreading social unrest and low self-esteem among fellow Indians through condescending attitude, crass comments, unbridled criticisms and above all, daring to raise voice against Jyoti Basu and Mamata Banerjee through his blog-site http://sbengani.blogspot.com. In a PIL filed by the 'Gau Raksha Committee', the head convener Sri Ramdulal Mishra conveyed that "That thing has opinions on everything, from chemical composition of cow's urine to Trams. He considers himself an entirely different social product, distinguished from the fellow ‘Indian’ people. Sudarshan is a man with pugnacious irreverence……always planning on how else to ridicule you. With his recent article on Bengal and IIMs, he has now crossed all limits, and it is our duty to protect the galaxy from his verbal taunts."

He is the first blogger in Indian history to be arrested for emmmm.... blogging. Sudarshan has vehemently denied the charges, alleging that the blogs were written by his alter-ego. This claim has many takers in his office. "That lousy bum can't even draft a paragraph in proper English. He is the kind of person who puts a garbage bin on his desk, labelled as "IN"!! I don't think he can ever be capable of even such ordinary crap.....", remarked one of his colleagues on conditions of anonymity.

Incidentally, Sudarshan's underwear pals remember him as a soft-spoken, mild-mannered person; so, there may be some credibility to the alter-ego explanation. However, it is rumoured that he had attitude transplants last year, which may have caused this personality split.

His boss - himself an avid blogger - had a philosophical take on the issue. "Being in this situation will be good for Sudarshan. I guess he suffers from the grim perception that fate, society and aliens connived to play a cruel trick on him, but he lacks the intellect to comprehend the essence of being a human creature!! Being miserable will help him build character. And, he should keep blogging. Someday, he might just write something profound and intelligent.", he quipped with witty self-assurance.

"Ever since he was a boy, he wanted everything his way.", his father had a more rational take on the issue, "Finally, the society is fed of of this leech, and he can spend rest of his life in quarantine. Now, everyone around can live happily forever!!"

Ever since his arrest, the blog has seen multiple hits and is the 'most searched' term on the Internet. You know how people are. They recognize greatness only when some authority confines it.

This has multiplied the problems for the government, as his arrest and the concomitant 'popularity' of his blogs has 'awakened' millions of his ilks. They have all taken up active blogging, some even writing blogs in the Comments section of Sudarshan's blogsite. Others have responded to those blogs in the Comments section of Sudarshan's blog by writing new blogs and comments, and it goes on. So - by now, you get the drift - the arrest has unleashed thousands of Sudarshans on the country. As per Mr. Suhel Seth, the know-it-all-done-it-all-televised-debate-specialist, this was bound to happen. "Biologically, even if Sudarshan is a one-in-a-million phenomenon, India has enough population to produce thousands variants of him!! heh heh heh...", he remarked with his trademark smirk. He also confessed (unwittingly, of course!!) to his jealousy with Sudarshan's rapid rise to spotlight. "Now, that perpetual loser has more visitors on his blogsite that I ever had for my sleazy Agony-Uncle columns.", he mumbled.

The media has been quick to cash on the opportunity, with several televised debates with topics ranging from 'Moral derangement of mid-life professionals' to 'Blog censorship' to 'Ban blogging!!' and so on. Meanwhile, the BCCI (the other BCCI, i.e. Bloggers Collaboration Committee in India) has threatened to go on strike, countering that this is against the freedom of expression guaranteed in the Constitution. Additionally, this may seriously pitch the blue-collar workforce against the government, as they will have nothing else to read during office-hours. Last seen, Shashi Tharoor was desperately trying to keep Twitter away from the controversy. Apparently, his request to Mayawati to have a statue of Sudarshan erected in East Kanpur has also earned him instant admiration amongst the Next-Gen.

Meanwhile, rumours abound that Sudarshan is planning to file a counter defamation suit against the government, claiming that the blogs are an output of his deranged alter-ego. This has put the UPA government in fix as it has not won even a single court-case ever since its stint starting 2004. Experts concede that this may be tricky. They have neither the proof to establish that it was Sudarshan who wrote those blogs, nor can they effectively counter the Alter-ego theory. "Despite all witnesses and proofs, the government is struggling with the prosecution of Azmal Kasab, the 26/11 champion; so, this case seems to be much weaker.", remarked (ex-)renowned (ex-)lawyer Ram Jethmalani, with characteristic sarcasm. However, he countered that Sudarshan should actually be suing himself, as it is HIS alter-ego which has landed him in trouble.

The police confirmed that Sudarshan has been quarantined to an unknown location with no access to Internet and he is unlikely to be blogging again till he is granted a bail. Last known, he was considering the option of suing his Alter-ego for the mental trauma.
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