Privatizing IIMs

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Circa 2009 A.D. - Eureka!!…..A fantastic idea ! PRIVATISING all the educational institutions. Why not ? Seriously Yaar, the government will be able to get the jokers in the UGC out of way, and deploy the funds saved to more productive uses, such as implementing the societal Hindutva-isation of the Santhal tribes.

Circa 2015 A.D. - Someone in Ministry of HRD & Education overheard my suggestion and during one of the Parliamentary in-fighting, minister Argh-zoo-n Sing-h slipped a legislation to privatize the educational institutes. As with all radical initiatives, the MPs were horrified at the idea and so they decided to do it in a phased manner - privatize the most inconsequential and boring institutions first and see how it worked. Obviously, IIMs were the unanimous guinea pigs.

Apple Inc. purchased the IIMs (at bundled discount) for an undisclosed amount, a sum which was still smaller than what they pay the IPL players. They promptly renamed the premier institutions as i-IMs (i-ndian Institute of Mis-management) to reflect the future trends. iPod was made the new logo, with colors differentiating the various locations. iIM Bangalore bagged the pink iPod. iIM Kolkata got the burgundy one. All associated terms/ phrases were 'technoized'. For example, candidates were never "rejected", but only "ejected".

The entire selection program was outsourced, and sponsors were roped in for the questions. For instance, Tatas sponsored the question, "If the land prices in Singur and Pantnagar are inter-changed, what will the ratio of kick-backs to be split between the Commies and Maoists?". There were many questions based on advertisements and brand recall. CAT was made online, with users on Lenovo laptops getting credited with an additional percentile. The exam was administered only in English and Urdu. The English too was more Urdu than British; for example the application form asked if the candidate was a 'janaab' or a 'mohatarma'. Selection rounds (GD, Interviews) were held at exotic locations. The timing was advanced to align with the Kingfisher Calendar shoots. Airline miles were included as a criteria for grading. The male-female ratio, in congruence with popular demand, was reversed. Most of the males, as usual, continued to be appendices to the ladies; and some of them even had severe breathing problems in presence of females.

In the campuses, several infrastructural changes were implemented. A laundro-mat was built to help the students wash their clothes. It was made mandatory for all to wash their clothes at least once after every four usage. Beer-vending machines were introduced on campus. The canteen service was improved greatly. Baingan was banned from the menu. Pest repellants were sprayed on the food to keep the flies and cockroaches away.. Hamburgers and pizzas were introduced. Retired air-hostesses were employed to encourage students to eat at the canteen. …..and so on……

Stray dogs and other strange animals, which used to hop around on humid afternoons, were dealt with impunity. Guards equipped with rubber bullets were deployed to keep the monkeys off. But they had to stop this cruel act because they couldn't tell the students apart from these creatures. Sex was banned on campus. Va ruin Gang-dhi was engaged to suggest the modalities of pre-admission circumcision of the male students. Female circumcision could not be pursued due to severe opposition from Re-nuke Chow-dare-y and Rocky Saw-anth. Hence, students had to make do with porno websites.

Dress codes were introduced. In fact, it was compulsory to be dressed - this was not applicable to certain Jain communities that prefer to go naked. Axe was roped in to sponsor the deodorants. Anybody caught more than 34.46% naked, was summarily punished. However, no such restrictions were imposed on Sumo wrestlers and chronic body-huggers. But, the VC Group was unable to find sponsors for the trousers - apparently, the tendency of the male students to stay unzipped was considered detrimental for brand association. Hence, they decided to get male students to wear pyjamas.

The impact of the above measures was almost immediate. Students started to attend lectures more frequently. The pass-out rate increased. Males who displayed asthamatic problems in presence of females prior to admission, were now able to ignore the ladies.

To summarize all the above in the Media Cell's release, "The iIMs have undergone a complete end-to-end transformation, better aligned to the key global imperatives, and systematically monitored through self-correcting KPIs and evaluation parameters. We have a task force that is continually monitoring the ever-changing progress graph and incorporating latest management techniques to align the operations to the future trends."

The idea to pilot 'privatization of higher education' was an astounding success. Moreover, the money saved was significant. The Govt. decided to extend the privatization to other universities and institutes of higher education. The HRD minister also wanted primary education to be included in the scheme - but, then, they realized that primary education doesn't exist in India.

……… End Circa 2015 A.D.

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