D A H I J - The counter-therapy to 'Jihad'

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So... here goes part two of the crap...For those who have stumbled here recently, it is important to read the Part 1 to truly appreciate the immortal writings that follow below.

Prelude: In 2009 AD, the political arm (or 'farm'??) of the Right-wing seculars got thrashed in the elections. They needed another alibi to get back to the main-stream. At around the same time, a megalomaniac 'Dalit ki beti' (henceforth, we will call her 'Behenji') was on a memorial-building spree, ribbon-cutting her own statues every other day. Soon, Behenji decided to build a castle for herself. As they say, history repeats itself!! In an interview, the renowned astrologer - Bejan Whisky-wala - propounded that Behenji was actually a re-incarnation of that Mughal 'invader' BABAR!! This became the breaking news for days to come, further aggravating the Hindu right-wing. In order to build her grand mansion, Behenji had demolished everything within the parameters of her 1 lakh sqft abode. Meanwhile, someone informed the Right-wing Hindu fundies that Behenji's mansion is being built on a site where a jail existed some milli-centuries ago. Lord Krishna was born in the same jail. The Right-wing party wanted to celebrate the 6427th birthday of Lord Sri Krishna - and they wanted to do it at the same spot where the jail existed. Needless to mention, this seeded the KRISHNA JANMABHOOMI MOVEMENT - a frenzy for another Ayodhya-like movement....

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Read the complete prelude to this article here

Mad-vani, the self-styled-Ironman Leader of the right-wing fundies - a baffling pre-historic member of the Sangho-sauras family - took up the cudgels to 'launch' the KRISHNA-JANMABHOOMI MOVEMENT. His life has been one long journey from crisis to crisis to crisis.. to... crisis.... to... This was his LAST chance to wear his dhoti again and extend his political career by a few yards. Predictably, they decided to launch the Kar Seva movement Part 2.

In a hurriedly called press conference, Mad-vani explained, "We cannot allow the deep traditions of Hindutva to be sabotaged by a few 'invaders'. Behen-ji (the 'Dalit ki beti' a.k.a. Maya-batti) is Babar reincarnated, and we must stop her.... err him.. err..her from destroying the very jail where Lord Sri Krishna was born. We plan to celebrate the Janmasthami at that very site". For a party that calls itself right-wing, it has been getting almost everything wrong. To avoid making anymore mistake(s) or repeating the ones made during the elections, Mad-vani engaged an IIM graduate to 'market' the movement. A top-notch-but-at-verge-of-bankruptcy Investment Bank was appointed to handle the finances. Mad-vani wanted this movement to be fool-proof, you see.

The IIM Marketing graduate branded the movement as 'Dahij'. When queried, he explained, "In terms of spelling, metaphor and intent, this movement is the opposite of 'Jihad'. We are no longer calling our members as Kar Sevaks; they will be addressed as Dahijis or DA-HI-JJoes.", capably highlighting the bold texts and subtle rhyme with G.I. Joe even in spoken sentences. "We have also tied up with Sony to launch a PlayStation version titled 'Da-hi-JJoe', where the followers of Lord Krishna destroy the evil incarnations of Babar, starting from Babar himself through current-day incarnation - Behenji, through different game difficulty levels. But unlike Jihad, our movement will be peaceful. For example, the game will have agarbattis instead of tear-gas shells!!" Print and Media ads were launched where Babar's cartoon gets digitally transformaed into Behen-ji's visage in a 5-second commercial.

In fact that was easy - If you shave off Babar's moustache and tie his beard back onto his head, he would look eerily similar to modern-day Maya-batti. They also launched a book titled "Dihaj for More dummies" in a direct counter to the best-seller original titled "Jihad for Dummies".

Slowly but steadily, the 'movement' started gaining momentum (read: getting murkier by the day). You see, in a population of 1 billion, it is always so easy to get a supeficial thousands to take superficial forays into the superficial practices of Hindutva. The situation was ripe for a catastrophe with Hindu fundies pitted directly against the 'epitome of Dalit upliftment', the controversial Maya-batti mansion. Meanwhile, Behenji was planning to have another mansion built for her just in case the Hindu fundies managed to destroy the original one.

Realising the gravity of the opportunity, the central government also wanted to 'capitalise' and declare President's rule in uttar Pradesh. But, they realised that Uttar Pradesh did not have a Governor. Perhaps, they forgot to appoint a Governor. Or may be, in UP, nobody gives a heck to the Governor...

Another bizarre twist was added to the already intriguing saga of the Dahij movement. The plan was simple: Millions of sadhus were 'requested' to 'descend' 'peacefully' in Kanpur and Lucknow seven days prior to the Janmasthami. The Dahij movement was on the verge of a phenomenal success. Uttar Pradesh was fast transforming into a 'tourist' destination.

Even the NASA released satellite pictures of Kanpur and Lucknow looking all saffron from space. There were millions of Sadhus of all shapes, sizes and colors, and in every denomination of hierarchy. The cities were flush with multitudes of sadhus, the 'Dahijis' - The new ones, the old ones with 'disciples' in tow, nude Dahijis, the semi-nude Dahijis, the bearded Dahijis, the ones who had sharp needles piercing their bodies, and so on.... They were all chanting:
Bhaag jaayegi Behenji,
Jab saamne aayenge Dahiji

All this was quite intimidating. But, Behenji is behenji, the ultimate queen of politics. Just prior to the auspicious day of the great Dahij Movement of dismantling Behenji's 'humble' abode, the sadhus jumped into the Yamuna to take the holy dip. Just around the same time, Behenji had the dam floodgates opened; the gush of water flushed out thousands of Dahijis. On their part, the Dahijis thought that this was God's way of uniting them to their Nirvana.... So... the right-wing party had got it wrong again!! In one swift move, Behenji had brought the movement crashing down... Mad-vani could muster only a few philisophical words: "I feel sad that the mission had to collapse like this; but I also feel good that the Dahijis got moksha. I feel good that I was not there and am alive; but, I feel truly sad that I could not be there at a crucial phase.", leaving all reporters confused if he was happy or sad.

Then the IIM graduate had a flash of brilliance.... "Why not merge Janmasthami with Maya-batti's birthday?" , he muttered under his foul breath. That way, Maya-batti's men can get birthday donations for a valid cause and by celebrating her birthday at her mansion, we would be paying are respect to Lord Krishna on the Janmasthami day!!". That was indeed interesting and a win-win situation for both parties. Now rumours abound that both Mad-vani and Maya-batti liked the idea and may have a video-conference to discuss the modalities. The mere possibility that UP will celebrate Janmasthami and Behenji's birthday on the same day at the same spot (and yes, all of May-batti's birthday collections will officially be part of Janmasthami donations and vice-versa) was a significant event.

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We will keep you posted on further developments.

PS: Politicians that they are - they keep lowering the bar every which way.....

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Right-wing Krishna fans demolish Behenji's Dalit-upliftment (Part I)

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This is a two-series crap. Period. Before I start talking about the Krishna Janmabhoomi movement, it is important to understand the historical context to this. Hence, the first part of the series...

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Sometime recently, way before the 10th century, Islam was born. Hinduism, as they say, pre-existed everything mortal. Both were peace-loving, co-existent communities until two incidents changed that forever. A learned Guru (Aryabhatta??) got frustrated with a Muslim moron and invented ZERO while grading his Sanskrit papers. The Muslims felt discriminated. In an unrelated incident, a Hindu Jain was slapped by a Muslim when they were fighting for the same wall to pee upon. Later, the Jain even apologised to the Muslim for having 'provoked' him. The Muslim felt offended by the Gandhian overtures.

Once these news spread, the Muslims/ Afghans/ Turkish from all crazy places invaded our country and heaped tremendous atrocities. Hindus - as always - had lumpen good-for-nothing kings ruling them; hence, they succumbed with little resistance. Since Hindus had put up cows and temples all over the place, the Muslims enjoyed razing them - it became their favorite pastime. Babar - a Mughal emperor - was the most accomplished 'demolisher', his career high-point being razing of some non-descript Ram Mandir near Ayodhya. Since Ram was not around by then, there was no one to resist the 'Babar-ic' demolition of the mandir.

Centuries later, another person named Gandhi had the moronic thought that it was possible to unite the Hindus and Muslims. To this end, he sacrificed a lot to the point of self-destruction. The end-result was a partition of land, people and mind. The 'lousy' Muslims were separated from India with lots of land, resources and alimony. The 'more lousy' Muslims were retained in India. That was the first recorded incident of minority appeasement. The Hindu frustration with this 'minority appeasement' resulted in the formation of a few radical right-wing organisations - VHP, RSS and the ilks - with several fundies attempting to re-write the Hindu philosophy (birth of Hindutva!!). In the early 1990s, the Kar Sevaks - in a stupid attempt to reverse-engineer the Babri Masjid ended up destroying it. Actually, they wanted to only 'move' the mosque, but ended up destroying it!! That - in history books and webspace - got firmly entrenched as the RAM JANMABHOOMI MOVEMENT. Soon, the country had only two kinds - the communal Hindu on one end, and the pseudo-secular Hindu-bashers, communists and (of course) minorities at the other end. Many argue that the Gandhi family do not fall into either of the above categories - they are a category of their own.

Exactly two decades later (2009 AD), the political arm (or 'farm'??) of the Right-wing seculars got thrashed in the elections. They needed another alibi to get back to the main-stream. At around the same time, a megalomaniac 'Dalit ki beti' (henceforth, we will call her 'Behenji') was on a memorial-building spree, ribbon-cutting her own statues every other day. Soon, there were no ribbons available in the market. So, Behenji decided to build a castle for herself. As they say, history repeats itself!! In an interview, the renowned astrologer - Bejan Whisky-wala - propounded that Behenji was actually a re-incarnation of that Mughal 'invader' BABAR!! This became the breaking news for days to come, furhter aggravating the Hindu right-wing. But, then I am digressing...

In order to build her grand mansion, Behenji had demolished everything within the parameters of her 1 lakh sqft abode. That was indeed 'Babar-ic'. And, again, the mistake she made was not to get good archaeologists to advise her. With the completion of this mansion, suddenly the Dalits of India got empowered. Lives of a million Dalits got transformed overnight. As for the non-Dalits in Behen-ji's empire, they were still trying to figure out if they were Sharma or Verma or Mishra.... A biographer of Behenji published a treatise titled "The taxonomy of Dalit-ism". Though, generally too complex for mere mortals, it essentially said that Dalit-ism is like an infinite loop that goes round and round into itself. Philosophically, a Dalit is a 'he' as well as a 'she' as well as 'it'. One of the readers published a counter-thesis titled "The taxonomy of Behen-ji!!". Ooops... .. I am digressing again...

OK..... Meanwhile, someone informed the Right-wing Hindu fundies that Behenji's mansion has been built on a site where a jail existed some milli-centuries ago. Lord Krishna was born in the same jail. The Right-wing party wanted to celebratethe 6427th birthday of Lord Sri Krishna - and they wanted to do it at the same spot where the jail existed. Needless to mention, this seeded the KRISHNA JANMABHOOMI MOVEMENT - a frenzy for another Ayodhya-like movement....

(.... to be continued...)

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Now... now... now... Let us use our combined creativity and blogging skills to 'write' PART TWO of this article!! Buddies... just write your contents in the "Comments" section that continue this story, the condition being that it should be humorous with no 'extremist' offences to any individual, religion or sect. All contributions will be duly acknowledged...

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