Right-wing Krishna fans demolish Behenji's Dalit-upliftment (Part I)

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This is a two-series crap. Period. Before I start talking about the Krishna Janmabhoomi movement, it is important to understand the historical context to this. Hence, the first part of the series...

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Sometime recently, way before the 10th century, Islam was born. Hinduism, as they say, pre-existed everything mortal. Both were peace-loving, co-existent communities until two incidents changed that forever. A learned Guru (Aryabhatta??) got frustrated with a Muslim moron and invented ZERO while grading his Sanskrit papers. The Muslims felt discriminated. In an unrelated incident, a Hindu Jain was slapped by a Muslim when they were fighting for the same wall to pee upon. Later, the Jain even apologised to the Muslim for having 'provoked' him. The Muslim felt offended by the Gandhian overtures.

Once these news spread, the Muslims/ Afghans/ Turkish from all crazy places invaded our country and heaped tremendous atrocities. Hindus - as always - had lumpen good-for-nothing kings ruling them; hence, they succumbed with little resistance. Since Hindus had put up cows and temples all over the place, the Muslims enjoyed razing them - it became their favorite pastime. Babar - a Mughal emperor - was the most accomplished 'demolisher', his career high-point being razing of some non-descript Ram Mandir near Ayodhya. Since Ram was not around by then, there was no one to resist the 'Babar-ic' demolition of the mandir.

Centuries later, another person named Gandhi had the moronic thought that it was possible to unite the Hindus and Muslims. To this end, he sacrificed a lot to the point of self-destruction. The end-result was a partition of land, people and mind. The 'lousy' Muslims were separated from India with lots of land, resources and alimony. The 'more lousy' Muslims were retained in India. That was the first recorded incident of minority appeasement. The Hindu frustration with this 'minority appeasement' resulted in the formation of a few radical right-wing organisations - VHP, RSS and the ilks - with several fundies attempting to re-write the Hindu philosophy (birth of Hindutva!!). In the early 1990s, the Kar Sevaks - in a stupid attempt to reverse-engineer the Babri Masjid ended up destroying it. Actually, they wanted to only 'move' the mosque, but ended up destroying it!! That - in history books and webspace - got firmly entrenched as the RAM JANMABHOOMI MOVEMENT. Soon, the country had only two kinds - the communal Hindu on one end, and the pseudo-secular Hindu-bashers, communists and (of course) minorities at the other end. Many argue that the Gandhi family do not fall into either of the above categories - they are a category of their own.

Exactly two decades later (2009 AD), the political arm (or 'farm'??) of the Right-wing seculars got thrashed in the elections. They needed another alibi to get back to the main-stream. At around the same time, a megalomaniac 'Dalit ki beti' (henceforth, we will call her 'Behenji') was on a memorial-building spree, ribbon-cutting her own statues every other day. Soon, there were no ribbons available in the market. So, Behenji decided to build a castle for herself. As they say, history repeats itself!! In an interview, the renowned astrologer - Bejan Whisky-wala - propounded that Behenji was actually a re-incarnation of that Mughal 'invader' BABAR!! This became the breaking news for days to come, furhter aggravating the Hindu right-wing. But, then I am digressing...

In order to build her grand mansion, Behenji had demolished everything within the parameters of her 1 lakh sqft abode. That was indeed 'Babar-ic'. And, again, the mistake she made was not to get good archaeologists to advise her. With the completion of this mansion, suddenly the Dalits of India got empowered. Lives of a million Dalits got transformed overnight. As for the non-Dalits in Behen-ji's empire, they were still trying to figure out if they were Sharma or Verma or Mishra.... A biographer of Behenji published a treatise titled "The taxonomy of Dalit-ism". Though, generally too complex for mere mortals, it essentially said that Dalit-ism is like an infinite loop that goes round and round into itself. Philosophically, a Dalit is a 'he' as well as a 'she' as well as 'it'. One of the readers published a counter-thesis titled "The taxonomy of Behen-ji!!". Ooops... .. I am digressing again...

OK..... Meanwhile, someone informed the Right-wing Hindu fundies that Behenji's mansion has been built on a site where a jail existed some milli-centuries ago. Lord Krishna was born in the same jail. The Right-wing party wanted to celebratethe 6427th birthday of Lord Sri Krishna - and they wanted to do it at the same spot where the jail existed. Needless to mention, this seeded the KRISHNA JANMABHOOMI MOVEMENT - a frenzy for another Ayodhya-like movement....

(.... to be continued...)

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Now... now... now... Let us use our combined creativity and blogging skills to 'write' PART TWO of this article!! Buddies... just write your contents in the "Comments" section that continue this story, the condition being that it should be humorous with no 'extremist' offences to any individual, religion or sect. All contributions will be duly acknowledged...

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Ajmal Kasab gives birth to Eggs

Biologically 'unclaimed' and sadistically celebrated 26/11 icon, Ajmal Kasab has done the unimaginable again. Yesterday night, Ajmal Kasab gave birth to three eggs. Initially, they were thought to be bombs and the entire area within 4 kilometres of X$%9%## Jail was cordoned off, bringing the Mumbai city to complete stand-still for 3.23 minutes. There was no impact in far-away Kolkata, as it is always on 'standstill'. As the bomb-squad was trying to check the eggs, one of them blew off with a shrill bloop and everybody around had egg on their face. However, biological tests on the eggs confirmed that they were just that. EGGS. Both the father and the two eggs remaining, are reported to be doing fine. They are of the size of Mayawati's brains; are cream-complexioned and freckled, like her Australian counterpart - the Ostrich.

The CBI does not suspect a foul play and believe that it was most likely caused by faulty wiring in the recently replaced 'guts'. Apparently, Kasab's original (natural) guts - and this guy does have some guts!! - had been detached for questioning in the runaway Reality Show 'Sach Ka Saamna'. The incident has stirred the government into motion, quickly realising that this will further delay the prosecution of Kasab. A fresh dossier (no. 1936) is being prepared to explain the origination of the eggs. Given that elections are due in Maharashtra, the government also plans to send the eggs for trial, accusing it of supporting terrorism by way of origination. The state CM, Mr. Ashok Chavan contended that Kasab unleashed terror because he had lots of guts. The eggs are a by-product of his guts. Hence, as post-descendant form of his guts, the government can rightfully prosecute it for waging war against the nation.

Reportedly, Angelina Jolie Pitt, the renowned-international-adoption-maniac has evinced interest in adopting the eggs. "They look pretty organic and....". And, before she could finish, the MNS and Bajarang Dal led by Raj Thakre, Praveen Togadia and Varun Gandhi barged into the room demanding a CBI inquiry and stay on the adoption till the origins and nationality of the egg is established. There are other non-descript organizations (like Shitala Vyayam Sangh, Badbola Housing Society, Bandra Working Women's Association etc.) that have started candle-light vigil to prevent the egg from being relocated. The entire city is fleeting with candles.

Finally, the Prime Minister - who happened to be in Mumbai for the opening ceremony of Mukesh Ambani's new apartment - had to step in. That day, he was supposed to make only one speech, but ended up making three. Actually, he wanted to make none, but he made three!! That was pretty embarrassing given that he has the unique ability to make the most interesting topics go haywire. Although, he is a nice person and has families to support in these recession times, his speeches are something to be sneezed at. And good, decent people can also be rubbish at their jobs. The media team surrounding the Prime Minister has a simple task - Make the PM look 'Prime Minister-like'.

"Look into the mirror - Think Sardar Patel, not Sardar Banta Singh.", his media advisor suggested to inject some confidence boosters. But.... ...good, decent people can also be rubbish at their jobs. The PM made things worse. As he stepped onto the podium to reassure the agitated audience that everything was steady and under control, his fumbling gaze and mumbling-for-words oratory made it worse. You can't blame him as he is still learning on the job.

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PS: Is this the man heading the government in charge of our fate and security? Which is the bigger threat to the country - Ajmal Kasab or the Government?

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The futile arrest of Sudarshan (or was it his Alter-ego???)...

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The Times of iNDIA, Circa 2010: Sudarshan Bengani, an irreverent blogger has been arrested on charges of spreading social unrest and low self-esteem among fellow Indians through condescending attitude, crass comments, unbridled criticisms and above all, daring to raise voice against Jyoti Basu and Mamata Banerjee through his blog-site http://sbengani.blogspot.com. In a PIL filed by the 'Gau Raksha Committee', the head convener Sri Ramdulal Mishra conveyed that "That thing has opinions on everything, from chemical composition of cow's urine to Trams. He considers himself an entirely different social product, distinguished from the fellow ‘Indian’ people. Sudarshan is a man with pugnacious irreverence……always planning on how else to ridicule you. With his recent article on Bengal and IIMs, he has now crossed all limits, and it is our duty to protect the galaxy from his verbal taunts."

He is the first blogger in Indian history to be arrested for emmmm.... blogging. Sudarshan has vehemently denied the charges, alleging that the blogs were written by his alter-ego. This claim has many takers in his office. "That lousy bum can't even draft a paragraph in proper English. He is the kind of person who puts a garbage bin on his desk, labelled as "IN"!! I don't think he can ever be capable of even such ordinary crap.....", remarked one of his colleagues on conditions of anonymity.

Incidentally, Sudarshan's underwear pals remember him as a soft-spoken, mild-mannered person; so, there may be some credibility to the alter-ego explanation. However, it is rumoured that he had attitude transplants last year, which may have caused this personality split.

His boss - himself an avid blogger - had a philosophical take on the issue. "Being in this situation will be good for Sudarshan. I guess he suffers from the grim perception that fate, society and aliens connived to play a cruel trick on him, but he lacks the intellect to comprehend the essence of being a human creature!! Being miserable will help him build character. And, he should keep blogging. Someday, he might just write something profound and intelligent.", he quipped with witty self-assurance.

"Ever since he was a boy, he wanted everything his way.", his father had a more rational take on the issue, "Finally, the society is fed of of this leech, and he can spend rest of his life in quarantine. Now, everyone around can live happily forever!!"

Ever since his arrest, the blog has seen multiple hits and is the 'most searched' term on the Internet. You know how people are. They recognize greatness only when some authority confines it.

This has multiplied the problems for the government, as his arrest and the concomitant 'popularity' of his blogs has 'awakened' millions of his ilks. They have all taken up active blogging, some even writing blogs in the Comments section of Sudarshan's blogsite. Others have responded to those blogs in the Comments section of Sudarshan's blog by writing new blogs and comments, and it goes on. So - by now, you get the drift - the arrest has unleashed thousands of Sudarshans on the country. As per Mr. Suhel Seth, the know-it-all-done-it-all-televised-debate-specialist, this was bound to happen. "Biologically, even if Sudarshan is a one-in-a-million phenomenon, India has enough population to produce thousands variants of him!! heh heh heh...", he remarked with his trademark smirk. He also confessed (unwittingly, of course!!) to his jealousy with Sudarshan's rapid rise to spotlight. "Now, that perpetual loser has more visitors on his blogsite that I ever had for my sleazy Agony-Uncle columns.", he mumbled.

The media has been quick to cash on the opportunity, with several televised debates with topics ranging from 'Moral derangement of mid-life professionals' to 'Blog censorship' to 'Ban blogging!!' and so on. Meanwhile, the BCCI (the other BCCI, i.e. Bloggers Collaboration Committee in India) has threatened to go on strike, countering that this is against the freedom of expression guaranteed in the Constitution. Additionally, this may seriously pitch the blue-collar workforce against the government, as they will have nothing else to read during office-hours. Last seen, Shashi Tharoor was desperately trying to keep Twitter away from the controversy. Apparently, his request to Mayawati to have a statue of Sudarshan erected in East Kanpur has also earned him instant admiration amongst the Next-Gen.

Meanwhile, rumours abound that Sudarshan is planning to file a counter defamation suit against the government, claiming that the blogs are an output of his deranged alter-ego. This has put the UPA government in fix as it has not won even a single court-case ever since its stint starting 2004. Experts concede that this may be tricky. They have neither the proof to establish that it was Sudarshan who wrote those blogs, nor can they effectively counter the Alter-ego theory. "Despite all witnesses and proofs, the government is struggling with the prosecution of Azmal Kasab, the 26/11 champion; so, this case seems to be much weaker.", remarked (ex-)renowned (ex-)lawyer Ram Jethmalani, with characteristic sarcasm. However, he countered that Sudarshan should actually be suing himself, as it is HIS alter-ego which has landed him in trouble.

The police confirmed that Sudarshan has been quarantined to an unknown location with no access to Internet and he is unlikely to be blogging again till he is granted a bail. Last known, he was considering the option of suing his Alter-ego for the mental trauma.
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The Name Game Blame....

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Prior to joining my current company, I was in another company (of course silly!!) that placed me in Chennai. Now, Chennai is very different from Kolkata. In Kolkata, people wear nice colorful shirts on plain, short shorts. In Chennai, they wear colorful trousers and for the top-half, they prefer to remain naked, amply demonstrating the proliferate chest-hair and extruding bellies. So, in toto, Kolkatans are colorful on the upper half, while Chennai-ites are colored on the bottom-half. This excludes Rajanikanth, who's colored on both halves. In fact, if you turn a Kolkata-ite upside-down, he would look like the alter-ego of his Chennai counterpart. The vice-versa is also true.

Now, how is this relevant to the topic? Very simple.... since they have contrasting characters, Chennai-ites tend to extend your name by adding a combination of phonics. In Kolkata, they tend to shorten your name, almost as if gasping for breath while pronouncing it. Let me explain that further....

I started facing a strange problem in Chennai. People started calling me Sudarshana (note the extra 'a' at the end!), with a slight ringing tone. The elderlies would actually add a 'n' too, like Sudarshan-an. It's like the naive junior school kid writing 'banana' for the first time. Not knowing when to stop, he would scribble banananana..!! And soon, it spread like an epidemic - everyone calling me Sudar-zana or Sudarshana or Sudarshanan, in different variants of classical undertones. In fact, I was now able to tell Iyers apart from Iyengars depending on how they articulated my name.

Nowadays, I am in Kolkata, where this name is pronounced more uniformly, as in Sudorson. I have learnt to live with that now. A new problem emerged when we went to a party. I introduced my son - Mudit - to my friends. But, they couldn't get it right. "Mudi!! What kind of name is that?? You could have instead named him 'Moody', he he he... ", one of them proffered helpfully. The poor chap soon came to be known as Mudi.

My son protested, "Why do they cut my name short dad?". "It's because they adore you, dear - so they shorten your name for love...", I reasoned. "That's not done", he retorted ".. then, does it mean that those here who lust for me, will call me Mud?"

Why Bengal bhill nebhar recobhar....

I have been born and brought up in Kolkata, West Bengal (or is it "Waste" Bengal??). To the initiated, Bengal is another tract of land in India, inhabited by some of the laziest and most self-fulfilling souls on earth. But, despite my contempt for the state, its backwardness still hurts - may be, I have an electron-sized soft corner for it.

Anyway, here are some reasons why Bangal bhill nebhar recobhar.....

To begin with, I apologize in advance to the hyper-sensitive breed, who may take offense at the content or context, or at the temerity to ridicule God's own comrades. Legend has it that for every creature (animal, bird, human, hobbit, elf etc. etc.) that God creates, he throws the three dices. Those getting a combination of 1-1-1, are cursed to a birth in Bengal.

Reason 1: Workophobia
The creatures in Bhengal have a radically different work-culture. They join a company not because they need to earn (Bengal can run pretty well on barter economy, you see!!), but because they need to be married. But, despite their laziness and hip lifestyle, they are all office-going denizens.

At work, the Bangal-ites are usually found doing personal errands during office hours. Lunch hours are meant for political rallies. On the salary-days, they would throw a perspective diatribe on American capitalism, preferably in front of Nike outlets. The lectures - delivered in crude Bengali - is also interspersed with peppy poetries and revolutionary snippets to add that ZING. In fact, getting a work done in this state is only marginally easier that bear-hugging a Sumo wrestler. Oh yes, bribes don't work in this part of the world - Bengal has transcended beyond materialism. Barter offers are a better option.

Reason 2: Pre-historic anatomy
All in all.... Bengal-ites are a different beast. Some wonder if they belong to this planet - but they are everywhere. The Bengal-ite blabbers perpetually - he has an opinion on everything, from giraffe's mating calls to masala kulchas. The best way to deal with him is to let him talk. He is usually found with his kids hanging around his belly. He - in turn - hangs by Tagore's beard. Some of them have managed to discard dhotis and jholas in favour of chequered 'pants' and rexin briefcases (of course, padlocked on three ends!!). The middle-class Bengal-ites wear their 'pants' all the way up to the arm-pits. The older ones wear the pants with zippers on the backside, "No.2 aash-le subhida hobe..". Nowadays, zipped dhotis are also becoming a fashion statement. I wouldn't talk about the umbrella, as it is now pretty much a part of the Bengalite's anatomy.

Reason 3: Societal-deficiency syndrome
Waste Bengal is a state where socio-cultural evolution has not progressed beyond Rabindra Sangeet and Vivekananda. Nothing symbolises Bengal's psyche better than the trams - old, empty, slow, and above all, inability to move away from tracks. No wonder, they still have them running in Kolkata. Some American scowl aptly named it "Shitty of Joy". In Bengal, nothing happens without a 100% 'theek aachhe'. Nothing reflects this better than the buses in Kolkata - they have seats built on conference room arrangements!!

Reason 4: Evolutionary deficiency
It is only recently that the Bengal urbanites (that implies people living within the 5.76 sqkms area around Ballygunge, the only posh area in the state) have realized that they a way behind other states on every desirable parameter. The rest still need to be awakened to the fact that most other human beings in the Milky Way are living a life that's miles better than those of Orangutans.

Reason 5: Lost-in-the-outside-World syndrome
As a semi-annual ritual, our Bengal-ite ventures out beyond 10 miles from his home. The rich ones actually take a train to venture OUT OF Bengal. Since, he is barely in the 18th century, he is clueless in the new environs. In fact, he would roam around like zombie, not knowing which end of banana needs to be peeled off. "I am pheeling so shad here - theese peepul cook in bhegitebul oil, and no phish also... o re maaa, aama-ke baachhao ", he would mumble. All confused, he would start looking crookedly at the small photo of his great-grandfather, stuck to inside of his multi-purpose bag with a safety-pin. Then, someone needs to hold his index finger and chant "Ekla cholo.." three times. That brings him back to the monolithic state.

Reason 6: Reverse Capitalism
Let me borrow (without permission!!)the lines of one of my college-mates - "Human stupidity is infinite and against stupidity, the gods themselves contend in vain. People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid." (credits: Deepak Goyal).

Bengal's demographics are rapidly changing - Nandigram is attracting lot of footfalls for Naxal tourism; Singur is the most happening place today. I need not repeat the sequence of events at Singur - the interesting part is what happened thereafter. Gujarat bagged the project, clearing all logistics in a matter of three days!! Bengal "exported" the Nano opportunity to Gujarat. In Gujarat, the villagers welcomed the move, emphasizing that they will provide more land, if needed. The TV channels showed tiled videos of celebrations in Gujarat and Bengal. These are once-in-a-decade situations when both the winner and the loser celebrates!!

That summarizes the trajectory Bengal has chosen to follow - from Naxalism to Socialism to Anti-socialism to Pseudo-socialism to (now) Reverse-capitalism. Bengal's approach to human evolution is very simple: First, they ignore it; then they ridicule it; then oppose it; and if even that doesn't work, they simply export the opportunity to lesser mortals sitting in non-descript places like Gujarat, Orissa, Karnataka and occasionally, even China.

Coming round to the original thought "Bengal will never recover!!".... Just when you thought Jyoti Basu was the worst thing to happen to the state, Mamata emerged... It is like the Olympics torch, that keeps burning - only the hands change. To say that Bangal will finally catch up with other states is like expecting the No. 11 batsman to score a century in a T20 game - theoretically possible. And.... ...if it does happen, "Ripley's Believe it or Not" will be season's best-seller.

Random Thoughts - I

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The recent elections in Bengal threw open an enigmatic question - the people were supposed to choose between two lunatics - TMC-Congress combine and the Left Front. People decided to choose the unknown evil this time. But, a few questions persist...
1. If Narendra Modi were the Chief Minister of Bengal, would things have been better in Bengal?
2. If Left Front were ruling Gujarat, would industry collapse in Gujarat?

The answer to both the above questions is a vociferous "NO". The reason for state's failure lies in the DNAs of Bengal-ites. The political rulers only provide a face to those DNAs.

Even Narendra Modi cannot transform Bengal because the people here WANT to live a condemned life. For them, any social or materialistic progress is an anathema. Similarly, no matter who rules Gujarat, the state will continue to progress, because the Gujarat-ites have progressive DNAs.

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Bullshit on cows (oops... holy cows)...
"Holy cows!! Why did the BJP choose Lotus as their election symbol? A Cow would have been a more apt choice."; "That's bullshit!!", my first wife remarked...

Not discouraged, I ponder further.... What if BJP comes to power - may be with absolute majority. Then, the following changes are guaranteed:
National animal: COW
National flower: COWliflower
National bird: COWckoo
National emblem: Veg. C(h)OWmein
National fruit: COW's urine frozen in COW-dung cups (flavoured variants permitted)
National song: "COW-amma COW-amma de de.... " (due rights procured for the original "HUM" song)

"That's bullshit!!", my second wife remarked...


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A 12-hour cyclone (christened as "AILA" in honour of Sachin Tendulkar) was enough to turn the Bengal coastlines upside-down. Apparently, there's absolute chaos in the Sunderbans area!!

Papa: We - in the office - are going to Sunderbans to distribute relief materials, food, clothes etc.
Me: Why?
Papa: Because they need our help...
Me: Why?
Papa: Cyclone Aila caused immense destruction
Me: That was a one-day phenomenon...
Papa: But, it was pretty bad.. .. so we have a duty...
Me: Yes. But, can't the govt. handle a 12-hour calamity? And, anyways, the taxes that we pay are supposed support relief operations too!! So, what is the point in helping a village that kept electing a government that cannot handle something as simple as this?
Papa: You have a point... but, I still need to go...
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