My life.......

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First of all, a "Sorry" to my 8-odd followers as I have been delayed in getting back on this blogsite. The reason for my silence is that I have been busy getting back to good health. Even though none of you care, but I had major tummy problems during the recent travel to the US of A. But the road-side pani-puris and samosas have helped me fix my defective liver valve. Now, I have recovered completely and my liver has healed so well that even tapeworms are confused over the transformation. Now, it's time for me to post again and bore you all to another near-death experience.

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This post has been temporarily removed.... This will be published again later....

A frustrated blogger's poem (Part 1)

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This is my first attempt at poetry that I could not publish on Facebook due to character-limit on messages. You see, after losing Blog-a-ton by "mere 6 votes", I am thoroughly frustrated; and, like a modern-day Devdas, I have taken to poetry. I would have preferred alcohol, but I am born in a religion that abhors alcoholism. To make that worse, I ended up in a job that doesn't leave much in my bank. I am in an exotic place called Cyprus as I blog this - and headed for Dubai for another deal. With nothing much to do, I am also reflecting back at the absolute partisanship behavior of the fellow-bloggers who refused to vote for my post, outrageous though it was!! But, that is for later...

Below is the poem, initially "designed" for my Facebook friends....

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THIS IS A TEST MESSAGE
Oh my dear friends!!
Your anger will hit a new high
My poetry may make you cry

Between Turkey and Cyprus
There's a great wall
That may never fall!!

Oh Gandhi!! I recall your adviszus
As I get ported to Dubai from Cyprus
For a deal as old as Tyrannosaur-Rex
I am back to ONE Gandhian principle
Of ABSTINENCE, and that's from marital sex

My poetry is not great
Nor is it the best
My FB friends will advise on net-iquette
Others will say "Don't irritate"
THIS CHAIN-REACTION I WANTED TO TEST

CONTRIBUTE FOR A HUMANITARIAN CAUSE: If you feel that the absurdity of this poem will make other poets feel proud of themselves, you can promote this post here or here or here...

If I were a baby again....

Me Baby again!! The attack of the Adopto-maniacs!!

CIRCA 2020
We were living in curious times. A Hindu Right-wing organization deduced that the Rig Veda was rigged!! This innocuous piece of diatribe sent shivers through the heavens. No God had ever been accused of corruption. They had been accused by the human race of inefficiency, procrastination and favoritism, but never of corruption!!

For someone who had been ruining running the universe for a dog light-years, Brahma decided to restart from scratch, and re-build an earth that would not have wars, crimes, politics, pollution... etc.... and not even 'corrupt Gods' etc. One of his trainee interns suggested that babies are the most pristine form of human beings, and may be, the new world should have only babies as the citizens. Brahma liked the concept and forwarded the note to the United Gods' Commission. To jump the story short, the resolution was finally accepted in the United Gods' Convention.

Some Gods - especially the Chinese ones - were horrified at the thought and so they decided to do it step by step - 'baby-fy' the least productive and most boring country first and see how this 'Pilot' worked. That's how India's citizens were destined to a transformation into BABIES. A ray of bright light dawned on 1st Jan 2020 and BIFF!! India was a "Baby Country" now - a populace of 1.5 billion babies, yours truly included. That is approximately the number of Christians and Muslims and Hindus and Muslim apologists and Hindu apologists (and other apologists and miscellanea ad nausea) India will have in 2020. In fact, we were faced with a Baby Crisis... .. and other assorted crisis. For example, I was a baby, and my father and my grandfather were babies too - and there was no generation gap!!

Switch to a tense present tense in Circa 2020
Apparently, the universe is flooded with rumours that this has excited Angelina Jolie Pitt. Given the plentiful choice available now, the serial-baby-adoption-maniac is interested in adopting her next kid from India. We are still dealing with a 'sources said' gossip, but it sounds pretty believable. Angelina has been known to adopt kids from craziest of places and already owns an island full of babies. Casting some Indian extras in her household will provide a cutting-edge balance to the ethnic-mix.

Full-page advertisements were published in leading as well as mis-leading dailies. My dad got interested in the deal, "This sounds good!! We have the opportunity of a lifetime to get rid of this white elephant, ....with due apologies to the elephants!!", he remarked pointing at me. "Well... even I would not mind letting Angelina adopt you, father. Mind it, you are a baby too now. But then, the last thing I want is to have Angelina as my grandmom. So, pardon you!!", I retorted. "It was hell bringing him up for 30 years. And, we can't start all over again!!", my father sounded my mom, wrapping me in onion-like layers of the new diaper, "And... ...let me tell you that the society is fed of this leech; and he may as well try enriching the American culture with his blasphemous habits. "

On the auspicious day, some of the most disposable babies were crib-lined for Angelina to choose from. I was positioned in the 7th crib from left. Apparently, Angelina Jolie got immediately attracted to my crib, because to my pot-belly protruding four-fifth outwards. "This baby is huge! Was he ever small at any point of his lifetime?", she asked looking at me. Before she could proceed, Hollywood's latest adopto-phile, Madonna appeared in a yogic posture demanding the first right to rejection. "You zee, I have a more durable relationzhip with Indhiaa, and this particular boy - whatzhhis name... ...emm... Sudarzhan... should be under my care." This let loose another public brawl between Angelina and Madonna, with both of them pulling my arms in opposite directions, unconcerned of my writhing pain. As an adult, driven by my hormonal instincts, I would have lusted for this 'affection'. But in a 'babified form', these were menacing and painful advances. I looked around, and saw rest of the babies in the far corner. The pain of the two Holly-ladies slugging over me was unbearable, and for the first time in my life, I wanted to be a 'common man'.... oops... 'common baby'.

It is the third day now, and the marathon slugfest on my adoption continues into a still-unfolding story. I am just now sorting through a whole mine-field of convolutions and grappling with a stir-fry of emoticons. For example, I have forgotten whose baby I am except that I know I am a baby now. I can still see my father - a fellow baby now - thoroughly enjoying the Almighty's successful biological experiment that has pushed me into this weird, traumatic, psychological complication. Arrghhhh....

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This post was published by me as a part of the Blog-a-Ton 4, the fourth edition of the online marathon of Bloggers; and - needless to mention - was a loser hands-down. The fellow Blog-a-Tonics, most of whom did better than me in this event and links to their respective posts can be checked here. My personal suggestion will be to never ever visit or follow Blog-a-Ton.

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The Great Railways Conspiracy

In an undercover operation conducted by a joint team of CIA and Mossad, it has transpired that the UPA government has been secretly plotting to destroy the Indian Railways. No one ever spoke about this, but many knew this. The move started by taking the Railways portfolio away from Bihar and handing that to West Bengal, which is doing much better nowadays on mis-governance, mis-rule and mis-placed priorities. The Railway ministry - traditionally - has been manned by the most corrupt MP. However, this year, it has been vested with the most ineffective MP - and by sheer coincidence, the lady also happens to be brainless. In order to accelerate the deceleration of Railways, a planned conspiracy to drive away customers was evidenced through the attempted hijack of Rajdhani Express by the Maoists on Tuesday.

The CIA spokesperson, who cannot be named as he is undercover, stressed that more such hijacks are planned across the country. "This particular hijack failed as the assailants were from Waste Bengal. It seems they had some issues with the management and went on hartal mid-way during the crisis, thus leaving the hijack-bid incomplete. But, their counterparts in other states are more diligent and will ensure a proper hijack in the future.", he explained with an emphasized warning. The airlines are happy with the incident, anticipating a windfall of customers this season.

Mr. Pranab Mukherjee addressed the media to clarify the government's stand on the incident. Apparently, Mr. Mukherjee was chosen instead of Mr. Chidambaram because of his unknown proximity to leftists, maoists and naxalites. Mr. Mukherjee announced with uncharacteristic firmness, "Bhat do the Naxals and Maoists have as a plan? Bhy don't they be a part of the mainsthream?" He further added, "The gobhernment is ready to have a re-elecshan in the entire Red Corridor, which will be free and fair.", thus feeding credence to the allegations that the earlier elections were rigged. "So, all - including the marginalized - can participate in the gala ebhent and vote again. We are sure that we bhill win again. Even if we don't, we can always send 25,000 more army-men to extend the misery of 'dhemocracy' to the Red Corridor!!", he signed off. In a gratifying deviation from the past, Mr. Chidambaram also toed the same line, "These people are insane!! We are trying to forcibly establish an inefficient and corrupt pseudo-democracy on this country and they have issues with this too!! What do they want? A dictatorship under the Gandhis?", he thundered in his inimitable squeaky voice.

In the frenzied commotion, the activists and intelligentsia - erstwhile ignored - also decided to hold a joint conference. By now, it should be pretty clear to anyone even remotely hooked to current affairs, to understand that by simple virtue of being an 'Activist', you can claim intellectual superiority. Yes, it is just so simple.

In an unprecedented, candid and audacious move, the renowned-author-degenerated-to-intellectual, Ms. Arun-dhoti Rai, the anti-establishment activist with extreme views that are ... well.. anti-establishment, has condemned the attack by the Maoists that failed to kill even a single passenger. She has condemned the way the entire incident had been man-handled. It was - however - not clear whether she was unhappy with the rich government's failure to kill the poor or with the poor Maoists' failure to kill the rich!! In a press briefing called in Bhopal, where she has been demanding compensation for the great-great-great-grandchildren of the Bhopal Gas victims, she clarified that the poor of the country will not be intimated by the United States, before realizing that the USA had nothing to do with this. "Err... OK... but, the braking mechanism for the Rajdhanis come from the US. They had deliberately planted extra-sensitive brakes to ensure that the train halts immediately from a speed of 120 kmph, when blocked by the maoists.", she clarified. Explaining the act of the 'kidnapping' the Rajdhani Express by the Maoists as a natural response to pollution, she demanded that railways must not run on engines. "We should revert to old days of horse-drawn carriages. We need to....", she managed to mutter before being shoved aside by the PETA activists.

As a tradition, the leading opposition party, the BJP also pressed for the resignation by the Home Minister and Prime Minister. Strangely, the BJP had no issues with Ms. Mamata Banerjee continuing as the Railways Sinister, again strengthening the speculation of a sinister conspiracy to 'kill' the Indian Railways.

No one ever spoke about this, but many - including me - knew this. The Talking Skull is closely following the developments and will keep its 5-odd readers updated on further developments.

Crystal Ball-ing the Unique ID Program

Circa 2009: UIC Launched
The Government is envisaging a Rs 150,000 cr Unique Identification Card (UIC) Project that will catalogue personal details of every Indian citizen on Smart Cards (the numbers exclude cost over-runs, scams, bribes, kick-backs and PILs). This is not to be confused with Kapil Sibal's vision of 'making' every Indian "Smart" by simply doing away with Board examinations.

Given the country's population, statisticians suggest that it will have to be at least 24-alpha-numerics long. Intel has offered to be a part of the initiative, with the disclaimer that all UIC holders will be tattooed "Intel not Inside". IDEA has proposed to be the official sponsor with the punchline "What an IDEA sir jee". More on that later...

Circa 2014 - UIC Piloted

The UIC has been piloted in select districts of the country. Suddenly, India is looking like a happening place, with caste and religion being simple accidents of birth. Everyone is being addressed by his 24-character-long Unique ID and all issues around casteism, reservations, communalism, minorityism etc. have vaporized. They initially thought of tattooing the UIC as barcodes on the body, but then dropped the idea as the wafer-thin anatomy rural Indians will get pierced by the Tattoo-pen.

The UIC Pilot has seen mixed reactions. The South Indians have protested, and are contemplating a boycott. "Imagine a Chennai without the plethora of Srinis and Balas and Seshadris!! Our very uniqueness of infinitesimal 1936-syllables-names has been contracted to a mundane UIC!! This is an Aryan conspiracy!!", thundered the usually thundering Jayalalitha, sensing a political revival. The North Indians are happy. "This is so tweet. Now, we will not need to remember such tongue-twisters like Pillavullakandi Thekkaparambil Manakkayar Pillai Srinivasan!! Whoa!!!", tweeted Sashi Tharoor; but, his twit got curtailed by the 140-char-limit of Twitter. Apparently, the Gandhi family has been excluded from the ambit of this project. Abhishek Singhvi explained with caricatured reverence, "Sonia ji and Rahul ji and Priyanka ji are already unique. They don't need a UIC..", he muttered disdainfully. On being prompted by an aide that it was being telecast live, he deigned, "In true traditions of the Gandhi lineage, they have have decided to be austere and let go of the luxuries that UIC would bring to them...", he signed off, before Arun Jaitley could react.

Meanwhile, back in Nagpur, the VHP president, Mr. KV Guru (now, UIC-ed AXC34GJ956KLERCHNI133346) has demanded Unique IDs for cows. "You know dudes, that India has millions of these udder-ly holy animals, so much so that you can't walk 20 metres without bumping into one of these bovine beings. They also deserve a UIC!!". Excited at the positive vibes in the press, he added "We also place a demand for proper sanitation facilities for the cows; the government should also 'build' diapers for them. That will save them the humiliation of urinating in public". "Japan has been manufacturing giant diapers for Sumo babies; so, the technology exists.", he suggested helpfully.

Across the border, a panicky Pakistan has quickly launched its own UIC program with US aid. Mr. Yasin Malik, the immortal separatist leader in J&K is very elated about this. "I have three IDs now, one from J&K, one from India and another one from Pakistan. I am also expecting a complimentary ID from China", he announced waving his multiple UIC Smart Cards. In the process, he revealed that J&K is practically separate from India, leaving the government red-faced again. Another confusion has emerged in the form of Ajmal Kasab. Neither India nor Pakistan can provide him the UIC, as it will tantamount to accepting him as their citizen. "We have sent another dossier to Pakistan on the issue of Ajmal's identity crisis. We expect a response soon", muttered Mr. Chidambaram, the Indian Home Minister before escaping further queries.

The Pilot has revealed a number of glitches in the Biometrics Capture System that feeds the UIC generator (you see, how all IT applications have a bug for every 5 lines-of-codes). Apparently, when Mamata Banerjee stepped in for the scan, the machine grinded an error "UIC is for human beings only - Please disengage." and a red beep alert echoed "Alien detected, alien detected", driving the entire building into a frenzied commotion. In an unrelated incident, Ms. Arun-dhoti Rai, an author-degraded-to-intellectual known for her anti-establishment bias, has condemned the move saying, "This is a government scandal designed to further corporate interests. They have schemed to coax the tribals out of the forests to get their IDs. And while they are at it, the government will let the metals and minings corporates run away with the natural resources!! We need to have a public debate on UIC involving the tribals and the poors and the naxalites and the maoists and... uhh...emmm" and fainted as she had spluttered too much under a single breath. Other such embarrasments have been kept secret from public domain.

Mr. Kapil Sibal (Minsiter, MHRD) has lauded the UIC Smart Card Pilot saying, "Now every Indian home has something smart. Now, every Indian will be born smart. Bingo!!" and chanted the Pink Floyd classic, "We don't need no education...", before trudging off.

Meanwhile, in the remote village of Dantewada, the poor villager is still wondering what's the next government programme that is going to hit miss him.

BJP fails to sabotage Rahul's Kalavati

The BJP continues to have a tough time. For a party that calls itself right-wing, it has been getting almost everything wrong.

It has been embarrassed (again!!) by a failed attempt to woo Kalavati Bandurkar, the new entrant in the politickle circle, who filed her nomination papers from Wani assembly constituency as an independent. Yes, the same Kalavati that Rahul Gandhi used as a pretext to grind the Parliament to a slow, boring near-death experience. To the uninitiated, sometime in very-recent-history, the prince of Congress' India - Rahul Gandhi - bumped into her during his 'Discover India' adventure. Actually, looking at the wafer-thin profiles across the road, Rahul was overjoyed with the thought of having discovered a new species, only to be corrected by by his aide that these were Rural Indians (taxonomy: Homo Sapiens Rurale Indiana). Rahul had probably haven’t been to hell yet. Hence, they took him to a remote village. Apparently, Rahul was intrigued by the walking-talking species so skinny that they did not need X-Rays. He wanted one of them to be part of the cabinet, so that his propaganda for 'Austerity Measures' gets a good mascot. And, nothing symbolised that better than Kalavati and her ilks. Oops, I am digressing again...

Now... Navjot Singh Sidhu, the ever-guffawing star leader of BJP had been entrusted the task of formally inducting Kalavati into BJP. The groundwork had already been done by Advani - the two only needed to ink the deal. But, after gazillion appearances on bawdy comedy shows and hysterical laughing on crappy jokes (crappier than the ones penned by Sudarshan on this site), Sidhu's facial muscles had attained Nirvana, and had been frozen in the ever-lasting auto-bio-metabolic state of hysterical laughing. This was accompanied by vociferous thumping of any solid object (preferably, a table) every two minutes.

Despite his best, Sidhu has been unable to reverse this state. Doctors say this is a unique but rapidly proliferating epidemic where the person suffers from freezing of facial muscles (French: gel des muscles faciaux) into a constant flux, sometimes these flux can be cyclical as in the case of former-PM Vajpayee (when he would shut his eyes and mutter "Yeh acchhi baat nahin hai..."). Some very well known celebrities like Sidhu, Mamata Banerjee, Pratibha Patil, Abhishek Bachchan, Ashutosh Gowarikar, Ricky Ponting, George Bush, Sylvester Stallone et al suffer from this ailment. They all have one thing in common - they all carry a facial expression that has been locked into that specific state for eternity. Doctors say that this happens due to continual usage of the same expression on a regular basis, resulting in facial muscles freezing into a distorted flux.

Reverting back to this particular case.... The incident happened when Kalavati informed Sidhu about the fact that she had a death in the family - her husband's nephew's mother-in-law's uncle had expired. This reverted Sidhu back to the auto-pilot mode of hysterical laughing "Haa haa heh heh hoo hoo..... ". After he had soiled himself for about the sixth time, he continued "Haa haa heh heh hoo hoo..... so... will he go to hell or a shell? Ha ha hee ho ho.. ", Sidhu constantly rolled and thumped and tossed on the charpai for 3.14 minutes, thumping the laddoo offered to him into a thick paste. Alongside, he went on to recite some incomprehensible verses that sounded something like "Ooye Guru.. Thoko taali thoko taali.... He was like a one-legged man in a bum-kicking competition.... ha ha.." This did not amuse Kalavati and her five supporters. So, she decided to let go of BJP too, and contest as an independent.

When he spoke to The Pioneer after the incident, Sidhu was very upset, but continued laughing, "This was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life... ha ha heh heh ho ho ho... But, you can never unscramble eggs... ha he heh hehe ho...", he signed off without any visible efforts to stop his laughter.

D A H I J - The counter-therapy to 'Jihad'

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So... here goes part two of the crap...For those who have stumbled here recently, it is important to read the Part 1 to truly appreciate the immortal writings that follow below.

Prelude: In 2009 AD, the political arm (or 'farm'??) of the Right-wing seculars got thrashed in the elections. They needed another alibi to get back to the main-stream. At around the same time, a megalomaniac 'Dalit ki beti' (henceforth, we will call her 'Behenji') was on a memorial-building spree, ribbon-cutting her own statues every other day. Soon, Behenji decided to build a castle for herself. As they say, history repeats itself!! In an interview, the renowned astrologer - Bejan Whisky-wala - propounded that Behenji was actually a re-incarnation of that Mughal 'invader' BABAR!! This became the breaking news for days to come, further aggravating the Hindu right-wing. In order to build her grand mansion, Behenji had demolished everything within the parameters of her 1 lakh sqft abode. Meanwhile, someone informed the Right-wing Hindu fundies that Behenji's mansion is being built on a site where a jail existed some milli-centuries ago. Lord Krishna was born in the same jail. The Right-wing party wanted to celebrate the 6427th birthday of Lord Sri Krishna - and they wanted to do it at the same spot where the jail existed. Needless to mention, this seeded the KRISHNA JANMABHOOMI MOVEMENT - a frenzy for another Ayodhya-like movement....

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Read the complete prelude to this article here

Mad-vani, the self-styled-Ironman Leader of the right-wing fundies - a baffling pre-historic member of the Sangho-sauras family - took up the cudgels to 'launch' the KRISHNA-JANMABHOOMI MOVEMENT. His life has been one long journey from crisis to crisis to crisis.. to... crisis.... to... This was his LAST chance to wear his dhoti again and extend his political career by a few yards. Predictably, they decided to launch the Kar Seva movement Part 2.

In a hurriedly called press conference, Mad-vani explained, "We cannot allow the deep traditions of Hindutva to be sabotaged by a few 'invaders'. Behen-ji (the 'Dalit ki beti' a.k.a. Maya-batti) is Babar reincarnated, and we must stop her.... err him.. err..her from destroying the very jail where Lord Sri Krishna was born. We plan to celebrate the Janmasthami at that very site". For a party that calls itself right-wing, it has been getting almost everything wrong. To avoid making anymore mistake(s) or repeating the ones made during the elections, Mad-vani engaged an IIM graduate to 'market' the movement. A top-notch-but-at-verge-of-bankruptcy Investment Bank was appointed to handle the finances. Mad-vani wanted this movement to be fool-proof, you see.

The IIM Marketing graduate branded the movement as 'Dahij'. When queried, he explained, "In terms of spelling, metaphor and intent, this movement is the opposite of 'Jihad'. We are no longer calling our members as Kar Sevaks; they will be addressed as Dahijis or DA-HI-JJoes.", capably highlighting the bold texts and subtle rhyme with G.I. Joe even in spoken sentences. "We have also tied up with Sony to launch a PlayStation version titled 'Da-hi-JJoe', where the followers of Lord Krishna destroy the evil incarnations of Babar, starting from Babar himself through current-day incarnation - Behenji, through different game difficulty levels. But unlike Jihad, our movement will be peaceful. For example, the game will have agarbattis instead of tear-gas shells!!" Print and Media ads were launched where Babar's cartoon gets digitally transformaed into Behen-ji's visage in a 5-second commercial.

In fact that was easy - If you shave off Babar's moustache and tie his beard back onto his head, he would look eerily similar to modern-day Maya-batti. They also launched a book titled "Dihaj for More dummies" in a direct counter to the best-seller original titled "Jihad for Dummies".

Slowly but steadily, the 'movement' started gaining momentum (read: getting murkier by the day). You see, in a population of 1 billion, it is always so easy to get a supeficial thousands to take superficial forays into the superficial practices of Hindutva. The situation was ripe for a catastrophe with Hindu fundies pitted directly against the 'epitome of Dalit upliftment', the controversial Maya-batti mansion. Meanwhile, Behenji was planning to have another mansion built for her just in case the Hindu fundies managed to destroy the original one.

Realising the gravity of the opportunity, the central government also wanted to 'capitalise' and declare President's rule in uttar Pradesh. But, they realised that Uttar Pradesh did not have a Governor. Perhaps, they forgot to appoint a Governor. Or may be, in UP, nobody gives a heck to the Governor...

Another bizarre twist was added to the already intriguing saga of the Dahij movement. The plan was simple: Millions of sadhus were 'requested' to 'descend' 'peacefully' in Kanpur and Lucknow seven days prior to the Janmasthami. The Dahij movement was on the verge of a phenomenal success. Uttar Pradesh was fast transforming into a 'tourist' destination.

Even the NASA released satellite pictures of Kanpur and Lucknow looking all saffron from space. There were millions of Sadhus of all shapes, sizes and colors, and in every denomination of hierarchy. The cities were flush with multitudes of sadhus, the 'Dahijis' - The new ones, the old ones with 'disciples' in tow, nude Dahijis, the semi-nude Dahijis, the bearded Dahijis, the ones who had sharp needles piercing their bodies, and so on.... They were all chanting:
Bhaag jaayegi Behenji,
Jab saamne aayenge Dahiji

All this was quite intimidating. But, Behenji is behenji, the ultimate queen of politics. Just prior to the auspicious day of the great Dahij Movement of dismantling Behenji's 'humble' abode, the sadhus jumped into the Yamuna to take the holy dip. Just around the same time, Behenji had the dam floodgates opened; the gush of water flushed out thousands of Dahijis. On their part, the Dahijis thought that this was God's way of uniting them to their Nirvana.... So... the right-wing party had got it wrong again!! In one swift move, Behenji had brought the movement crashing down... Mad-vani could muster only a few philisophical words: "I feel sad that the mission had to collapse like this; but I also feel good that the Dahijis got moksha. I feel good that I was not there and am alive; but, I feel truly sad that I could not be there at a crucial phase.", leaving all reporters confused if he was happy or sad.

Then the IIM graduate had a flash of brilliance.... "Why not merge Janmasthami with Maya-batti's birthday?" , he muttered under his foul breath. That way, Maya-batti's men can get birthday donations for a valid cause and by celebrating her birthday at her mansion, we would be paying are respect to Lord Krishna on the Janmasthami day!!". That was indeed interesting and a win-win situation for both parties. Now rumours abound that both Mad-vani and Maya-batti liked the idea and may have a video-conference to discuss the modalities. The mere possibility that UP will celebrate Janmasthami and Behenji's birthday on the same day at the same spot (and yes, all of May-batti's birthday collections will officially be part of Janmasthami donations and vice-versa) was a significant event.

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We will keep you posted on further developments.

PS: Politicians that they are - they keep lowering the bar every which way.....

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Right-wing Krishna fans demolish Behenji's Dalit-upliftment (Part I)

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This is a two-series crap. Period. Before I start talking about the Krishna Janmabhoomi movement, it is important to understand the historical context to this. Hence, the first part of the series...

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Sometime recently, way before the 10th century, Islam was born. Hinduism, as they say, pre-existed everything mortal. Both were peace-loving, co-existent communities until two incidents changed that forever. A learned Guru (Aryabhatta??) got frustrated with a Muslim moron and invented ZERO while grading his Sanskrit papers. The Muslims felt discriminated. In an unrelated incident, a Hindu Jain was slapped by a Muslim when they were fighting for the same wall to pee upon. Later, the Jain even apologised to the Muslim for having 'provoked' him. The Muslim felt offended by the Gandhian overtures.

Once these news spread, the Muslims/ Afghans/ Turkish from all crazy places invaded our country and heaped tremendous atrocities. Hindus - as always - had lumpen good-for-nothing kings ruling them; hence, they succumbed with little resistance. Since Hindus had put up cows and temples all over the place, the Muslims enjoyed razing them - it became their favorite pastime. Babar - a Mughal emperor - was the most accomplished 'demolisher', his career high-point being razing of some non-descript Ram Mandir near Ayodhya. Since Ram was not around by then, there was no one to resist the 'Babar-ic' demolition of the mandir.

Centuries later, another person named Gandhi had the moronic thought that it was possible to unite the Hindus and Muslims. To this end, he sacrificed a lot to the point of self-destruction. The end-result was a partition of land, people and mind. The 'lousy' Muslims were separated from India with lots of land, resources and alimony. The 'more lousy' Muslims were retained in India. That was the first recorded incident of minority appeasement. The Hindu frustration with this 'minority appeasement' resulted in the formation of a few radical right-wing organisations - VHP, RSS and the ilks - with several fundies attempting to re-write the Hindu philosophy (birth of Hindutva!!). In the early 1990s, the Kar Sevaks - in a stupid attempt to reverse-engineer the Babri Masjid ended up destroying it. Actually, they wanted to only 'move' the mosque, but ended up destroying it!! That - in history books and webspace - got firmly entrenched as the RAM JANMABHOOMI MOVEMENT. Soon, the country had only two kinds - the communal Hindu on one end, and the pseudo-secular Hindu-bashers, communists and (of course) minorities at the other end. Many argue that the Gandhi family do not fall into either of the above categories - they are a category of their own.

Exactly two decades later (2009 AD), the political arm (or 'farm'??) of the Right-wing seculars got thrashed in the elections. They needed another alibi to get back to the main-stream. At around the same time, a megalomaniac 'Dalit ki beti' (henceforth, we will call her 'Behenji') was on a memorial-building spree, ribbon-cutting her own statues every other day. Soon, there were no ribbons available in the market. So, Behenji decided to build a castle for herself. As they say, history repeats itself!! In an interview, the renowned astrologer - Bejan Whisky-wala - propounded that Behenji was actually a re-incarnation of that Mughal 'invader' BABAR!! This became the breaking news for days to come, furhter aggravating the Hindu right-wing. But, then I am digressing...

In order to build her grand mansion, Behenji had demolished everything within the parameters of her 1 lakh sqft abode. That was indeed 'Babar-ic'. And, again, the mistake she made was not to get good archaeologists to advise her. With the completion of this mansion, suddenly the Dalits of India got empowered. Lives of a million Dalits got transformed overnight. As for the non-Dalits in Behen-ji's empire, they were still trying to figure out if they were Sharma or Verma or Mishra.... A biographer of Behenji published a treatise titled "The taxonomy of Dalit-ism". Though, generally too complex for mere mortals, it essentially said that Dalit-ism is like an infinite loop that goes round and round into itself. Philosophically, a Dalit is a 'he' as well as a 'she' as well as 'it'. One of the readers published a counter-thesis titled "The taxonomy of Behen-ji!!". Ooops... .. I am digressing again...

OK..... Meanwhile, someone informed the Right-wing Hindu fundies that Behenji's mansion has been built on a site where a jail existed some milli-centuries ago. Lord Krishna was born in the same jail. The Right-wing party wanted to celebratethe 6427th birthday of Lord Sri Krishna - and they wanted to do it at the same spot where the jail existed. Needless to mention, this seeded the KRISHNA JANMABHOOMI MOVEMENT - a frenzy for another Ayodhya-like movement....

(.... to be continued...)

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Now... now... now... Let us use our combined creativity and blogging skills to 'write' PART TWO of this article!! Buddies... just write your contents in the "Comments" section that continue this story, the condition being that it should be humorous with no 'extremist' offences to any individual, religion or sect. All contributions will be duly acknowledged...

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Ajmal Kasab gives birth to Eggs

Biologically 'unclaimed' and sadistically celebrated 26/11 icon, Ajmal Kasab has done the unimaginable again. Yesterday night, Ajmal Kasab gave birth to three eggs. Initially, they were thought to be bombs and the entire area within 4 kilometres of X$%9%## Jail was cordoned off, bringing the Mumbai city to complete stand-still for 3.23 minutes. There was no impact in far-away Kolkata, as it is always on 'standstill'. As the bomb-squad was trying to check the eggs, one of them blew off with a shrill bloop and everybody around had egg on their face. However, biological tests on the eggs confirmed that they were just that. EGGS. Both the father and the two eggs remaining, are reported to be doing fine. They are of the size of Mayawati's brains; are cream-complexioned and freckled, like her Australian counterpart - the Ostrich.

The CBI does not suspect a foul play and believe that it was most likely caused by faulty wiring in the recently replaced 'guts'. Apparently, Kasab's original (natural) guts - and this guy does have some guts!! - had been detached for questioning in the runaway Reality Show 'Sach Ka Saamna'. The incident has stirred the government into motion, quickly realising that this will further delay the prosecution of Kasab. A fresh dossier (no. 1936) is being prepared to explain the origination of the eggs. Given that elections are due in Maharashtra, the government also plans to send the eggs for trial, accusing it of supporting terrorism by way of origination. The state CM, Mr. Ashok Chavan contended that Kasab unleashed terror because he had lots of guts. The eggs are a by-product of his guts. Hence, as post-descendant form of his guts, the government can rightfully prosecute it for waging war against the nation.

Reportedly, Angelina Jolie Pitt, the renowned-international-adoption-maniac has evinced interest in adopting the eggs. "They look pretty organic and....". And, before she could finish, the MNS and Bajarang Dal led by Raj Thakre, Praveen Togadia and Varun Gandhi barged into the room demanding a CBI inquiry and stay on the adoption till the origins and nationality of the egg is established. There are other non-descript organizations (like Shitala Vyayam Sangh, Badbola Housing Society, Bandra Working Women's Association etc.) that have started candle-light vigil to prevent the egg from being relocated. The entire city is fleeting with candles.

Finally, the Prime Minister - who happened to be in Mumbai for the opening ceremony of Mukesh Ambani's new apartment - had to step in. That day, he was supposed to make only one speech, but ended up making three. Actually, he wanted to make none, but he made three!! That was pretty embarrassing given that he has the unique ability to make the most interesting topics go haywire. Although, he is a nice person and has families to support in these recession times, his speeches are something to be sneezed at. And good, decent people can also be rubbish at their jobs. The media team surrounding the Prime Minister has a simple task - Make the PM look 'Prime Minister-like'.

"Look into the mirror - Think Sardar Patel, not Sardar Banta Singh.", his media advisor suggested to inject some confidence boosters. But.... ...good, decent people can also be rubbish at their jobs. The PM made things worse. As he stepped onto the podium to reassure the agitated audience that everything was steady and under control, his fumbling gaze and mumbling-for-words oratory made it worse. You can't blame him as he is still learning on the job.

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PS: Is this the man heading the government in charge of our fate and security? Which is the bigger threat to the country - Ajmal Kasab or the Government?

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The futile arrest of Sudarshan (or was it his Alter-ego???)...

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The Times of iNDIA, Circa 2010: Sudarshan Bengani, an irreverent blogger has been arrested on charges of spreading social unrest and low self-esteem among fellow Indians through condescending attitude, crass comments, unbridled criticisms and above all, daring to raise voice against Jyoti Basu and Mamata Banerjee through his blog-site http://sbengani.blogspot.com. In a PIL filed by the 'Gau Raksha Committee', the head convener Sri Ramdulal Mishra conveyed that "That thing has opinions on everything, from chemical composition of cow's urine to Trams. He considers himself an entirely different social product, distinguished from the fellow ‘Indian’ people. Sudarshan is a man with pugnacious irreverence……always planning on how else to ridicule you. With his recent article on Bengal and IIMs, he has now crossed all limits, and it is our duty to protect the galaxy from his verbal taunts."

He is the first blogger in Indian history to be arrested for emmmm.... blogging. Sudarshan has vehemently denied the charges, alleging that the blogs were written by his alter-ego. This claim has many takers in his office. "That lousy bum can't even draft a paragraph in proper English. He is the kind of person who puts a garbage bin on his desk, labelled as "IN"!! I don't think he can ever be capable of even such ordinary crap.....", remarked one of his colleagues on conditions of anonymity.

Incidentally, Sudarshan's underwear pals remember him as a soft-spoken, mild-mannered person; so, there may be some credibility to the alter-ego explanation. However, it is rumoured that he had attitude transplants last year, which may have caused this personality split.

His boss - himself an avid blogger - had a philosophical take on the issue. "Being in this situation will be good for Sudarshan. I guess he suffers from the grim perception that fate, society and aliens connived to play a cruel trick on him, but he lacks the intellect to comprehend the essence of being a human creature!! Being miserable will help him build character. And, he should keep blogging. Someday, he might just write something profound and intelligent.", he quipped with witty self-assurance.

"Ever since he was a boy, he wanted everything his way.", his father had a more rational take on the issue, "Finally, the society is fed of of this leech, and he can spend rest of his life in quarantine. Now, everyone around can live happily forever!!"

Ever since his arrest, the blog has seen multiple hits and is the 'most searched' term on the Internet. You know how people are. They recognize greatness only when some authority confines it.

This has multiplied the problems for the government, as his arrest and the concomitant 'popularity' of his blogs has 'awakened' millions of his ilks. They have all taken up active blogging, some even writing blogs in the Comments section of Sudarshan's blogsite. Others have responded to those blogs in the Comments section of Sudarshan's blog by writing new blogs and comments, and it goes on. So - by now, you get the drift - the arrest has unleashed thousands of Sudarshans on the country. As per Mr. Suhel Seth, the know-it-all-done-it-all-televised-debate-specialist, this was bound to happen. "Biologically, even if Sudarshan is a one-in-a-million phenomenon, India has enough population to produce thousands variants of him!! heh heh heh...", he remarked with his trademark smirk. He also confessed (unwittingly, of course!!) to his jealousy with Sudarshan's rapid rise to spotlight. "Now, that perpetual loser has more visitors on his blogsite that I ever had for my sleazy Agony-Uncle columns.", he mumbled.

The media has been quick to cash on the opportunity, with several televised debates with topics ranging from 'Moral derangement of mid-life professionals' to 'Blog censorship' to 'Ban blogging!!' and so on. Meanwhile, the BCCI (the other BCCI, i.e. Bloggers Collaboration Committee in India) has threatened to go on strike, countering that this is against the freedom of expression guaranteed in the Constitution. Additionally, this may seriously pitch the blue-collar workforce against the government, as they will have nothing else to read during office-hours. Last seen, Shashi Tharoor was desperately trying to keep Twitter away from the controversy. Apparently, his request to Mayawati to have a statue of Sudarshan erected in East Kanpur has also earned him instant admiration amongst the Next-Gen.

Meanwhile, rumours abound that Sudarshan is planning to file a counter defamation suit against the government, claiming that the blogs are an output of his deranged alter-ego. This has put the UPA government in fix as it has not won even a single court-case ever since its stint starting 2004. Experts concede that this may be tricky. They have neither the proof to establish that it was Sudarshan who wrote those blogs, nor can they effectively counter the Alter-ego theory. "Despite all witnesses and proofs, the government is struggling with the prosecution of Azmal Kasab, the 26/11 champion; so, this case seems to be much weaker.", remarked (ex-)renowned (ex-)lawyer Ram Jethmalani, with characteristic sarcasm. However, he countered that Sudarshan should actually be suing himself, as it is HIS alter-ego which has landed him in trouble.

The police confirmed that Sudarshan has been quarantined to an unknown location with no access to Internet and he is unlikely to be blogging again till he is granted a bail. Last known, he was considering the option of suing his Alter-ego for the mental trauma.
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The Name Game Blame....

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Prior to joining my current company, I was in another company (of course silly!!) that placed me in Chennai. Now, Chennai is very different from Kolkata. In Kolkata, people wear nice colorful shirts on plain, short shorts. In Chennai, they wear colorful trousers and for the top-half, they prefer to remain naked, amply demonstrating the proliferate chest-hair and extruding bellies. So, in toto, Kolkatans are colorful on the upper half, while Chennai-ites are colored on the bottom-half. This excludes Rajanikanth, who's colored on both halves. In fact, if you turn a Kolkata-ite upside-down, he would look like the alter-ego of his Chennai counterpart. The vice-versa is also true.

Now, how is this relevant to the topic? Very simple.... since they have contrasting characters, Chennai-ites tend to extend your name by adding a combination of phonics. In Kolkata, they tend to shorten your name, almost as if gasping for breath while pronouncing it. Let me explain that further....

I started facing a strange problem in Chennai. People started calling me Sudarshana (note the extra 'a' at the end!), with a slight ringing tone. The elderlies would actually add a 'n' too, like Sudarshan-an. It's like the naive junior school kid writing 'banana' for the first time. Not knowing when to stop, he would scribble banananana..!! And soon, it spread like an epidemic - everyone calling me Sudar-zana or Sudarshana or Sudarshanan, in different variants of classical undertones. In fact, I was now able to tell Iyers apart from Iyengars depending on how they articulated my name.

Nowadays, I am in Kolkata, where this name is pronounced more uniformly, as in Sudorson. I have learnt to live with that now. A new problem emerged when we went to a party. I introduced my son - Mudit - to my friends. But, they couldn't get it right. "Mudi!! What kind of name is that?? You could have instead named him 'Moody', he he he... ", one of them proffered helpfully. The poor chap soon came to be known as Mudi.

My son protested, "Why do they cut my name short dad?". "It's because they adore you, dear - so they shorten your name for love...", I reasoned. "That's not done", he retorted ".. then, does it mean that those here who lust for me, will call me Mud?"

Why Bengal bhill nebhar recobhar....

I have been born and brought up in Kolkata, West Bengal (or is it "Waste" Bengal??). To the initiated, Bengal is another tract of land in India, inhabited by some of the laziest and most self-fulfilling souls on earth. But, despite my contempt for the state, its backwardness still hurts - may be, I have an electron-sized soft corner for it.

Anyway, here are some reasons why Bangal bhill nebhar recobhar.....

To begin with, I apologize in advance to the hyper-sensitive breed, who may take offense at the content or context, or at the temerity to ridicule God's own comrades. Legend has it that for every creature (animal, bird, human, hobbit, elf etc. etc.) that God creates, he throws the three dices. Those getting a combination of 1-1-1, are cursed to a birth in Bengal.

Reason 1: Workophobia
The creatures in Bhengal have a radically different work-culture. They join a company not because they need to earn (Bengal can run pretty well on barter economy, you see!!), but because they need to be married. But, despite their laziness and hip lifestyle, they are all office-going denizens.

At work, the Bangal-ites are usually found doing personal errands during office hours. Lunch hours are meant for political rallies. On the salary-days, they would throw a perspective diatribe on American capitalism, preferably in front of Nike outlets. The lectures - delivered in crude Bengali - is also interspersed with peppy poetries and revolutionary snippets to add that ZING. In fact, getting a work done in this state is only marginally easier that bear-hugging a Sumo wrestler. Oh yes, bribes don't work in this part of the world - Bengal has transcended beyond materialism. Barter offers are a better option.

Reason 2: Pre-historic anatomy
All in all.... Bengal-ites are a different beast. Some wonder if they belong to this planet - but they are everywhere. The Bengal-ite blabbers perpetually - he has an opinion on everything, from giraffe's mating calls to masala kulchas. The best way to deal with him is to let him talk. He is usually found with his kids hanging around his belly. He - in turn - hangs by Tagore's beard. Some of them have managed to discard dhotis and jholas in favour of chequered 'pants' and rexin briefcases (of course, padlocked on three ends!!). The middle-class Bengal-ites wear their 'pants' all the way up to the arm-pits. The older ones wear the pants with zippers on the backside, "No.2 aash-le subhida hobe..". Nowadays, zipped dhotis are also becoming a fashion statement. I wouldn't talk about the umbrella, as it is now pretty much a part of the Bengalite's anatomy.

Reason 3: Societal-deficiency syndrome
Waste Bengal is a state where socio-cultural evolution has not progressed beyond Rabindra Sangeet and Vivekananda. Nothing symbolises Bengal's psyche better than the trams - old, empty, slow, and above all, inability to move away from tracks. No wonder, they still have them running in Kolkata. Some American scowl aptly named it "Shitty of Joy". In Bengal, nothing happens without a 100% 'theek aachhe'. Nothing reflects this better than the buses in Kolkata - they have seats built on conference room arrangements!!

Reason 4: Evolutionary deficiency
It is only recently that the Bengal urbanites (that implies people living within the 5.76 sqkms area around Ballygunge, the only posh area in the state) have realized that they a way behind other states on every desirable parameter. The rest still need to be awakened to the fact that most other human beings in the Milky Way are living a life that's miles better than those of Orangutans.

Reason 5: Lost-in-the-outside-World syndrome
As a semi-annual ritual, our Bengal-ite ventures out beyond 10 miles from his home. The rich ones actually take a train to venture OUT OF Bengal. Since, he is barely in the 18th century, he is clueless in the new environs. In fact, he would roam around like zombie, not knowing which end of banana needs to be peeled off. "I am pheeling so shad here - theese peepul cook in bhegitebul oil, and no phish also... o re maaa, aama-ke baachhao ", he would mumble. All confused, he would start looking crookedly at the small photo of his great-grandfather, stuck to inside of his multi-purpose bag with a safety-pin. Then, someone needs to hold his index finger and chant "Ekla cholo.." three times. That brings him back to the monolithic state.

Reason 6: Reverse Capitalism
Let me borrow (without permission!!)the lines of one of my college-mates - "Human stupidity is infinite and against stupidity, the gods themselves contend in vain. People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid." (credits: Deepak Goyal).

Bengal's demographics are rapidly changing - Nandigram is attracting lot of footfalls for Naxal tourism; Singur is the most happening place today. I need not repeat the sequence of events at Singur - the interesting part is what happened thereafter. Gujarat bagged the project, clearing all logistics in a matter of three days!! Bengal "exported" the Nano opportunity to Gujarat. In Gujarat, the villagers welcomed the move, emphasizing that they will provide more land, if needed. The TV channels showed tiled videos of celebrations in Gujarat and Bengal. These are once-in-a-decade situations when both the winner and the loser celebrates!!

That summarizes the trajectory Bengal has chosen to follow - from Naxalism to Socialism to Anti-socialism to Pseudo-socialism to (now) Reverse-capitalism. Bengal's approach to human evolution is very simple: First, they ignore it; then they ridicule it; then oppose it; and if even that doesn't work, they simply export the opportunity to lesser mortals sitting in non-descript places like Gujarat, Orissa, Karnataka and occasionally, even China.

Coming round to the original thought "Bengal will never recover!!".... Just when you thought Jyoti Basu was the worst thing to happen to the state, Mamata emerged... It is like the Olympics torch, that keeps burning - only the hands change. To say that Bangal will finally catch up with other states is like expecting the No. 11 batsman to score a century in a T20 game - theoretically possible. And.... ...if it does happen, "Ripley's Believe it or Not" will be season's best-seller.

Random Thoughts - I

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The recent elections in Bengal threw open an enigmatic question - the people were supposed to choose between two lunatics - TMC-Congress combine and the Left Front. People decided to choose the unknown evil this time. But, a few questions persist...
1. If Narendra Modi were the Chief Minister of Bengal, would things have been better in Bengal?
2. If Left Front were ruling Gujarat, would industry collapse in Gujarat?

The answer to both the above questions is a vociferous "NO". The reason for state's failure lies in the DNAs of Bengal-ites. The political rulers only provide a face to those DNAs.

Even Narendra Modi cannot transform Bengal because the people here WANT to live a condemned life. For them, any social or materialistic progress is an anathema. Similarly, no matter who rules Gujarat, the state will continue to progress, because the Gujarat-ites have progressive DNAs.

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Bullshit on cows (oops... holy cows)...
"Holy cows!! Why did the BJP choose Lotus as their election symbol? A Cow would have been a more apt choice."; "That's bullshit!!", my first wife remarked...

Not discouraged, I ponder further.... What if BJP comes to power - may be with absolute majority. Then, the following changes are guaranteed:
National animal: COW
National flower: COWliflower
National bird: COWckoo
National emblem: Veg. C(h)OWmein
National fruit: COW's urine frozen in COW-dung cups (flavoured variants permitted)
National song: "COW-amma COW-amma de de.... " (due rights procured for the original "HUM" song)

"That's bullshit!!", my second wife remarked...


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A 12-hour cyclone (christened as "AILA" in honour of Sachin Tendulkar) was enough to turn the Bengal coastlines upside-down. Apparently, there's absolute chaos in the Sunderbans area!!

Papa: We - in the office - are going to Sunderbans to distribute relief materials, food, clothes etc.
Me: Why?
Papa: Because they need our help...
Me: Why?
Papa: Cyclone Aila caused immense destruction
Me: That was a one-day phenomenon...
Papa: But, it was pretty bad.. .. so we have a duty...
Me: Yes. But, can't the govt. handle a 12-hour calamity? And, anyways, the taxes that we pay are supposed support relief operations too!! So, what is the point in helping a village that kept electing a government that cannot handle something as simple as this?
Papa: You have a point... but, I still need to go...
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Privatizing IIMs

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Circa 2009 A.D. - Eureka!!…..A fantastic idea ! PRIVATISING all the educational institutions. Why not ? Seriously Yaar, the government will be able to get the jokers in the UGC out of way, and deploy the funds saved to more productive uses, such as implementing the societal Hindutva-isation of the Santhal tribes.

Circa 2015 A.D. - Someone in Ministry of HRD & Education overheard my suggestion and during one of the Parliamentary in-fighting, minister Argh-zoo-n Sing-h slipped a legislation to privatize the educational institutes. As with all radical initiatives, the MPs were horrified at the idea and so they decided to do it in a phased manner - privatize the most inconsequential and boring institutions first and see how it worked. Obviously, IIMs were the unanimous guinea pigs.

Apple Inc. purchased the IIMs (at bundled discount) for an undisclosed amount, a sum which was still smaller than what they pay the IPL players. They promptly renamed the premier institutions as i-IMs (i-ndian Institute of Mis-management) to reflect the future trends. iPod was made the new logo, with colors differentiating the various locations. iIM Bangalore bagged the pink iPod. iIM Kolkata got the burgundy one. All associated terms/ phrases were 'technoized'. For example, candidates were never "rejected", but only "ejected".

The entire selection program was outsourced, and sponsors were roped in for the questions. For instance, Tatas sponsored the question, "If the land prices in Singur and Pantnagar are inter-changed, what will the ratio of kick-backs to be split between the Commies and Maoists?". There were many questions based on advertisements and brand recall. CAT was made online, with users on Lenovo laptops getting credited with an additional percentile. The exam was administered only in English and Urdu. The English too was more Urdu than British; for example the application form asked if the candidate was a 'janaab' or a 'mohatarma'. Selection rounds (GD, Interviews) were held at exotic locations. The timing was advanced to align with the Kingfisher Calendar shoots. Airline miles were included as a criteria for grading. The male-female ratio, in congruence with popular demand, was reversed. Most of the males, as usual, continued to be appendices to the ladies; and some of them even had severe breathing problems in presence of females.

In the campuses, several infrastructural changes were implemented. A laundro-mat was built to help the students wash their clothes. It was made mandatory for all to wash their clothes at least once after every four usage. Beer-vending machines were introduced on campus. The canteen service was improved greatly. Baingan was banned from the menu. Pest repellants were sprayed on the food to keep the flies and cockroaches away.. Hamburgers and pizzas were introduced. Retired air-hostesses were employed to encourage students to eat at the canteen. …..and so on……

Stray dogs and other strange animals, which used to hop around on humid afternoons, were dealt with impunity. Guards equipped with rubber bullets were deployed to keep the monkeys off. But they had to stop this cruel act because they couldn't tell the students apart from these creatures. Sex was banned on campus. Va ruin Gang-dhi was engaged to suggest the modalities of pre-admission circumcision of the male students. Female circumcision could not be pursued due to severe opposition from Re-nuke Chow-dare-y and Rocky Saw-anth. Hence, students had to make do with porno websites.

Dress codes were introduced. In fact, it was compulsory to be dressed - this was not applicable to certain Jain communities that prefer to go naked. Axe was roped in to sponsor the deodorants. Anybody caught more than 34.46% naked, was summarily punished. However, no such restrictions were imposed on Sumo wrestlers and chronic body-huggers. But, the VC Group was unable to find sponsors for the trousers - apparently, the tendency of the male students to stay unzipped was considered detrimental for brand association. Hence, they decided to get male students to wear pyjamas.

The impact of the above measures was almost immediate. Students started to attend lectures more frequently. The pass-out rate increased. Males who displayed asthamatic problems in presence of females prior to admission, were now able to ignore the ladies.

To summarize all the above in the Media Cell's release, "The iIMs have undergone a complete end-to-end transformation, better aligned to the key global imperatives, and systematically monitored through self-correcting KPIs and evaluation parameters. We have a task force that is continually monitoring the ever-changing progress graph and incorporating latest management techniques to align the operations to the future trends."

The idea to pilot 'privatization of higher education' was an astounding success. Moreover, the money saved was significant. The Govt. decided to extend the privatization to other universities and institutes of higher education. The HRD minister also wanted primary education to be included in the scheme - but, then, they realized that primary education doesn't exist in India.

……… End Circa 2015 A.D.

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