29 August, 2009

Ajmal Kasab gives birth to Eggs

Biologically 'unclaimed' and sadistically celebrated 26/11 icon, Ajmal Kasab has done the unimaginable again. Yesterday night, Ajmal Kasab gave birth to three eggs. Initially, they were thought to be bombs and the entire area within 4 kilometres of X$%9%## Jail was cordoned off, bringing the Mumbai city to complete stand-still for 3.23 minutes. There was no impact in far-away Kolkata, as it is always on 'standstill'. As the bomb-squad was trying to check the eggs, one of them blew off with a shrill bloop and everybody around had egg on their face. However, biological tests on the eggs confirmed that they were just that. EGGS. Both the father and the two eggs remaining, are reported to be doing fine. They are of the size of Mayawati's brains; are cream-complexioned and freckled, like her Australian counterpart - the Ostrich.

The CBI does not suspect a foul play and believe that it was most likely caused by faulty wiring in the recently replaced 'guts'. Apparently, Kasab's original (natural) guts - and this guy does have some guts!! - had been detached for questioning in the runaway Reality Show 'Sach Ka Saamna'. The incident has stirred the government into motion, quickly realising that this will further delay the prosecution of Kasab. A fresh dossier (no. 1936) is being prepared to explain the origination of the eggs. Given that elections are due in Maharashtra, the government also plans to send the eggs for trial, accusing it of supporting terrorism by way of origination. The state CM, Mr. Ashok Chavan contended that Kasab unleashed terror because he had lots of guts. The eggs are a by-product of his guts. Hence, as post-descendant form of his guts, the government can rightfully prosecute it for waging war against the nation.

Reportedly, Angelina Jolie Pitt, the renowned-international-adoption-maniac has evinced interest in adopting the eggs. "They look pretty organic and....". And, before she could finish, the MNS and Bajarang Dal led by Raj Thakre, Praveen Togadia and Varun Gandhi barged into the room demanding a CBI inquiry and stay on the adoption till the origins and nationality of the egg is established. There are other non-descript organizations (like Shitala Vyayam Sangh, Badbola Housing Society, Bandra Working Women's Association etc.) that have started candle-light vigil to prevent the egg from being relocated. The entire city is fleeting with candles.

Finally, the Prime Minister - who happened to be in Mumbai for the opening ceremony of Mukesh Ambani's new apartment - had to step in. That day, he was supposed to make only one speech, but ended up making three. Actually, he wanted to make none, but he made three!! That was pretty embarrassing given that he has the unique ability to make the most interesting topics go haywire. Although, he is a nice person and has families to support in these recession times, his speeches are something to be sneezed at. And good, decent people can also be rubbish at their jobs. The media team surrounding the Prime Minister has a simple task - Make the PM look 'Prime Minister-like'.

"Look into the mirror - Think Sardar Patel, not Sardar Banta Singh.", his media advisor suggested to inject some confidence boosters. But.... ...good, decent people can also be rubbish at their jobs. The PM made things worse. As he stepped onto the podium to reassure the agitated audience that everything was steady and under control, his fumbling gaze and mumbling-for-words oratory made it worse. You can't blame him as he is still learning on the job.

PS: Is this the man heading the government in charge of our fate and security? Which is the bigger threat to the country - Ajmal Kasab or the Government?

04 August, 2009

The futile arrest of Sudarshan (or was it his Alter-ego???)...

The Times of iNDIA, Circa 2010: Sudarshan Bengani, an irreverent blogger has been arrested on charges of spreading social unrest and low self-esteem among fellow Indians through condescending attitude, crass comments, unbridled criticisms and above all, daring to raise voice against Jyoti Basu and Mamata Banerjee through his blog-site http://sbengani.blogspot.com. In a PIL filed by the 'Gau Raksha Committee', the head convener Sri Ramdulal Mishra conveyed that "That thing has opinions on everything, from chemical composition of cow's urine to Trams. He considers himself an entirely different social product, distinguished from the fellow ‘Indian’ people. Sudarshan is a man with pugnacious irreverence……always planning on how else to ridicule you. With his recent article on Bengal and IIMs, he has now crossed all limits, and it is our duty to protect the galaxy from his verbal taunts."

He is the first blogger in Indian history to be arrested for emmmm.... blogging. Sudarshan has vehemently denied the charges, alleging that the blogs were written by his alter-ego. This claim has many takers in his office. "That lousy bum can't even draft a paragraph in proper English. He is the kind of person who puts a garbage bin on his desk, labelled as "IN"!! I don't think he can ever be capable of even such ordinary crap.....", remarked one of his colleagues on conditions of anonymity.

Incidentally, Sudarshan's underwear pals remember him as a soft-spoken, mild-mannered person; so, there may be some credibility to the alter-ego explanation. However, it is rumoured that he had attitude transplants last year, which may have caused this personality split.

His boss - himself an avid blogger - had a philosophical take on the issue. "Being in this situation will be good for Sudarshan. I guess he suffers from the grim perception that fate, society and aliens connived to play a cruel trick on him, but he lacks the intellect to comprehend the essence of being a human creature!! Being miserable will help him build character. And, he should keep blogging. Someday, he might just write something profound and intelligent.", he quipped with witty self-assurance.

"Ever since he was a boy, he wanted everything his way.", his father had a more rational take on the issue, "Finally, the society is fed of of this leech, and he can spend rest of his life in quarantine. Now, everyone around can live happily forever!!"

Ever since his arrest, the blog has seen multiple hits and is the 'most searched' term on the Internet. You know how people are. They recognize greatness only when some authority confines it.

This has multiplied the problems for the government, as his arrest and the concomitant 'popularity' of his blogs has 'awakened' millions of his ilks. They have all taken up active blogging, some even writing blogs in the Comments section of Sudarshan's blogsite. Others have responded to those blogs in the Comments section of Sudarshan's blog by writing new blogs and comments, and it goes on. So - by now, you get the drift - the arrest has unleashed thousands of Sudarshans on the country. As per Mr. Suhel Seth, the know-it-all-done-it-all-televised-debate-specialist, this was bound to happen. "Biologically, even if Sudarshan is a one-in-a-million phenomenon, India has enough population to produce thousands variants of him!! heh heh heh...", he remarked with his trademark smirk. He also confessed (unwittingly, of course!!) to his jealousy with Sudarshan's rapid rise to spotlight. "Now, that perpetual loser has more visitors on his blogsite that I ever had for my sleazy Agony-Uncle columns.", he mumbled.

The media has been quick to cash on the opportunity, with several televised debates with topics ranging from 'Moral derangement of mid-life professionals' to 'Blog censorship' to 'Ban blogging!!' and so on. Meanwhile, the BCCI (the other BCCI, i.e. Bloggers Collaboration Committee in India) has threatened to go on strike, countering that this is against the freedom of expression guaranteed in the Constitution. Additionally, this may seriously pitch the blue-collar workforce against the government, as they will have nothing else to read during office-hours. Last seen, Shashi Tharoor was desperately trying to keep Twitter away from the controversy. Apparently, his request to Mayawati to have a statue of Sudarshan erected in East Kanpur has also earned him instant admiration amongst the Next-Gen.

Meanwhile, rumours abound that Sudarshan is planning to file a counter defamation suit against the government, claiming that the blogs are an output of his deranged alter-ego. This has put the UPA government in fix as it has not won even a single court-case ever since its stint starting 2004. Experts concede that this may be tricky. They have neither the proof to establish that it was Sudarshan who wrote those blogs, nor can they effectively counter the Alter-ego theory. "Despite all witnesses and proofs, the government is struggling with the prosecution of Azmal Kasab, the 26/11 champion; so, this case seems to be much weaker.", remarked (ex-)renowned (ex-)lawyer Ram Jethmalani, with characteristic sarcasm. However, he countered that Sudarshan should actually be suing himself, as it is HIS alter-ego which has landed him in trouble.

The police confirmed that Sudarshan has been quarantined to an unknown location with no access to Internet and he is unlikely to be blogging again till he is granted a bail. Last known, he was considering the option of suing his Alter-ego for the mental trauma.

Sudarshan is a blooming nerd and has intermittent fits of verbal diarrohea. This is when he vomits on this blog-page. The views expressed on this blog are those of his alter-ego and represent neither his personal thoughts nor those of his organisation, clan or family. In fact, Sudarshan and his (alleged) alter-ego are fine examples of a person using his freedom to the fullest while trying to deny it to his fellow-citizens. The best way to deal with him is to ignore him.