29 October, 2009

The Great Railways Conspiracy

In an undercover operation conducted by a joint team of CIA and Mossad, it has transpired that the UPA government has been secretly plotting to destroy the Indian Railways. No one ever spoke about this, but many knew this. The move started by taking the Railways portfolio away from Bihar and handing that to West Bengal, which is doing much better nowadays on mis-governance, mis-rule and mis-placed priorities. The Railway ministry - traditionally - has been manned by the most corrupt MP. However, this year, it has been vested with the most ineffective MP - and by sheer coincidence, the lady also happens to be brainless. In order to accelerate the deceleration of Railways, a planned conspiracy to drive away customers was evidenced through the attempted hijack of Rajdhani Express by the Maoists on Tuesday.

The CIA spokesperson, who cannot be named as he is undercover, stressed that more such hijacks are planned across the country. "This particular hijack failed as the assailants were from Waste Bengal. It seems they had some issues with the management and went on hartal mid-way during the crisis, thus leaving the hijack-bid incomplete. But, their counterparts in other states are more diligent and will ensure a proper hijack in the future.", he explained with an emphasized warning. The airlines are happy with the incident, anticipating a windfall of customers this season.

Mr. Pranab Mukherjee addressed the media to clarify the government's stand on the incident. Apparently, Mr. Mukherjee was chosen instead of Mr. Chidambaram because of his unknown proximity to leftists, maoists and naxalites. Mr. Mukherjee announced with uncharacteristic firmness, "Bhat do the Naxals and Maoists have as a plan? Bhy don't they be a part of the mainsthream?" He further added, "The gobhernment is ready to have a re-elecshan in the entire Red Corridor, which will be free and fair.", thus feeding credence to the allegations that the earlier elections were rigged. "So, all - including the marginalized - can participate in the gala ebhent and vote again. We are sure that we bhill win again. Even if we don't, we can always send 25,000 more army-men to extend the misery of 'dhemocracy' to the Red Corridor!!", he signed off. In a gratifying deviation from the past, Mr. Chidambaram also toed the same line, "These people are insane!! We are trying to forcibly establish an inefficient and corrupt pseudo-democracy on this country and they have issues with this too!! What do they want? A dictatorship under the Gandhis?", he thundered in his inimitable squeaky voice.

In the frenzied commotion, the activists and intelligentsia - erstwhile ignored - also decided to hold a joint conference. By now, it should be pretty clear to anyone even remotely hooked to current affairs, to understand that by simple virtue of being an 'Activist', you can claim intellectual superiority. Yes, it is just so simple.

In an unprecedented, candid and audacious move, the renowned-author-degenerated-to-intellectual, Ms. Arun-dhoti Rai, the anti-establishment activist with extreme views that are ... well.. anti-establishment, has condemned the attack by the Maoists that failed to kill even a single passenger. She has condemned the way the entire incident had been man-handled. It was - however - not clear whether she was unhappy with the rich government's failure to kill the poor or with the poor Maoists' failure to kill the rich!! In a press briefing called in Bhopal, where she has been demanding compensation for the great-great-great-grandchildren of the Bhopal Gas victims, she clarified that the poor of the country will not be intimated by the United States, before realizing that the USA had nothing to do with this. "Err... OK... but, the braking mechanism for the Rajdhanis come from the US. They had deliberately planted extra-sensitive brakes to ensure that the train halts immediately from a speed of 120 kmph, when blocked by the maoists.", she clarified. Explaining the act of the 'kidnapping' the Rajdhani Express by the Maoists as a natural response to pollution, she demanded that railways must not run on engines. "We should revert to old days of horse-drawn carriages. We need to....", she managed to mutter before being shoved aside by the PETA activists.

As a tradition, the leading opposition party, the BJP also pressed for the resignation by the Home Minister and Prime Minister. Strangely, the BJP had no issues with Ms. Mamata Banerjee continuing as the Railways Sinister, again strengthening the speculation of a sinister conspiracy to 'kill' the Indian Railways.

No one ever spoke about this, but many - including me - knew this. The Talking Skull is closely following the developments and will keep its 5-odd readers updated on further developments.

20 October, 2009

Crystal Ball-ing the Unique ID Program

Circa 2009: UIC Launched
The Government is envisaging a Rs 150,000 cr Unique Identification Card (UIC) Project that will catalogue personal details of every Indian citizen on Smart Cards (the numbers exclude cost over-runs, scams, bribes, kick-backs and PILs). This is not to be confused with Kapil Sibal's vision of 'making' every Indian "Smart" by simply doing away with Board examinations.

Given the country's population, statisticians suggest that it will have to be at least 24-alpha-numerics long. Intel has offered to be a part of the initiative, with the disclaimer that all UIC holders will be tattooed "Intel not Inside". IDEA has proposed to be the official sponsor with the punchline "What an IDEA sir jee". More on that later...

Circa 2014 - UIC Piloted

The UIC has been piloted in select districts of the country. Suddenly, India is looking like a happening place, with caste and religion being simple accidents of birth. Everyone is being addressed by his 24-character-long Unique ID and all issues around casteism, reservations, communalism, minorityism etc. have vaporized. They initially thought of tattooing the UIC as barcodes on the body, but then dropped the idea as the wafer-thin anatomy rural Indians will get pierced by the Tattoo-pen.

The UIC Pilot has seen mixed reactions. The South Indians have protested, and are contemplating a boycott. "Imagine a Chennai without the plethora of Srinis and Balas and Seshadris!! Our very uniqueness of infinitesimal 1936-syllables-names has been contracted to a mundane UIC!! This is an Aryan conspiracy!!", thundered the usually thundering Jayalalitha, sensing a political revival. The North Indians are happy. "This is so tweet. Now, we will not need to remember such tongue-twisters like Pillavullakandi Thekkaparambil Manakkayar Pillai Srinivasan!! Whoa!!!", tweeted Sashi Tharoor; but, his twit got curtailed by the 140-char-limit of Twitter. Apparently, the Gandhi family has been excluded from the ambit of this project. Abhishek Singhvi explained with caricatured reverence, "Sonia ji and Rahul ji and Priyanka ji are already unique. They don't need a UIC..", he muttered disdainfully. On being prompted by an aide that it was being telecast live, he deigned, "In true traditions of the Gandhi lineage, they have have decided to be austere and let go of the luxuries that UIC would bring to them...", he signed off, before Arun Jaitley could react.

Meanwhile, back in Nagpur, the VHP president, Mr. KV Guru (now, UIC-ed AXC34GJ956KLERCHNI133346) has demanded Unique IDs for cows. "You know dudes, that India has millions of these udder-ly holy animals, so much so that you can't walk 20 metres without bumping into one of these bovine beings. They also deserve a UIC!!". Excited at the positive vibes in the press, he added "We also place a demand for proper sanitation facilities for the cows; the government should also 'build' diapers for them. That will save them the humiliation of urinating in public". "Japan has been manufacturing giant diapers for Sumo babies; so, the technology exists.", he suggested helpfully.

Across the border, a panicky Pakistan has quickly launched its own UIC program with US aid. Mr. Yasin Malik, the immortal separatist leader in J&K is very elated about this. "I have three IDs now, one from J&K, one from India and another one from Pakistan. I am also expecting a complimentary ID from China", he announced waving his multiple UIC Smart Cards. In the process, he revealed that J&K is practically separate from India, leaving the government red-faced again. Another confusion has emerged in the form of Ajmal Kasab. Neither India nor Pakistan can provide him the UIC, as it will tantamount to accepting him as their citizen. "We have sent another dossier to Pakistan on the issue of Ajmal's identity crisis. We expect a response soon", muttered Mr. Chidambaram, the Indian Home Minister before escaping further queries.

The Pilot has revealed a number of glitches in the Biometrics Capture System that feeds the UIC generator (you see, how all IT applications have a bug for every 5 lines-of-codes). Apparently, when Mamata Banerjee stepped in for the scan, the machine grinded an error "UIC is for human beings only - Please disengage." and a red beep alert echoed "Alien detected, alien detected", driving the entire building into a frenzied commotion. In an unrelated incident, Ms. Arun-dhoti Rai, an author-degraded-to-intellectual known for her anti-establishment bias, has condemned the move saying, "This is a government scandal designed to further corporate interests. They have schemed to coax the tribals out of the forests to get their IDs. And while they are at it, the government will let the metals and minings corporates run away with the natural resources!! We need to have a public debate on UIC involving the tribals and the poors and the naxalites and the maoists and... uhh...emmm" and fainted as she had spluttered too much under a single breath. Other such embarrasments have been kept secret from public domain.

Mr. Kapil Sibal (Minsiter, MHRD) has lauded the UIC Smart Card Pilot saying, "Now every Indian home has something smart. Now, every Indian will be born smart. Bingo!!" and chanted the Pink Floyd classic, "We don't need no education...", before trudging off.

Meanwhile, in the remote village of Dantewada, the poor villager is still wondering what's the next government programme that is going to hit miss him.

03 October, 2009

BJP fails to sabotage Rahul's Kalavati

The BJP continues to have a tough time. For a party that calls itself right-wing, it has been getting almost everything wrong.

It has been embarrassed (again!!) by a failed attempt to woo Kalavati Bandurkar, the new entrant in the politickle circle, who filed her nomination papers from Wani assembly constituency as an independent. Yes, the same Kalavati that Rahul Gandhi used as a pretext to grind the Parliament to a slow, boring near-death experience. To the uninitiated, sometime in very-recent-history, the prince of Congress' India - Rahul Gandhi - bumped into her during his 'Discover India' adventure. Actually, looking at the wafer-thin profiles across the road, Rahul was overjoyed with the thought of having discovered a new species, only to be corrected by by his aide that these were Rural Indians (taxonomy: Homo Sapiens Rurale Indiana). Rahul had probably haven’t been to hell yet. Hence, they took him to a remote village. Apparently, Rahul was intrigued by the walking-talking species so skinny that they did not need X-Rays. He wanted one of them to be part of the cabinet, so that his propaganda for 'Austerity Measures' gets a good mascot. And, nothing symbolised that better than Kalavati and her ilks. Oops, I am digressing again...

Now... Navjot Singh Sidhu, the ever-guffawing star leader of BJP had been entrusted the task of formally inducting Kalavati into BJP. The groundwork had already been done by Advani - the two only needed to ink the deal. But, after gazillion appearances on bawdy comedy shows and hysterical laughing on crappy jokes (crappier than the ones penned by Sudarshan on this site), Sidhu's facial muscles had attained Nirvana, and had been frozen in the ever-lasting auto-bio-metabolic state of hysterical laughing. This was accompanied by vociferous thumping of any solid object (preferably, a table) every two minutes.

Despite his best, Sidhu has been unable to reverse this state. Doctors say this is a unique but rapidly proliferating epidemic where the person suffers from freezing of facial muscles (French: gel des muscles faciaux) into a constant flux, sometimes these flux can be cyclical as in the case of former-PM Vajpayee (when he would shut his eyes and mutter "Yeh acchhi baat nahin hai..."). Some very well known celebrities like Sidhu, Mamata Banerjee, Pratibha Patil, Abhishek Bachchan, Ashutosh Gowarikar, Ricky Ponting, George Bush, Sylvester Stallone et al suffer from this ailment. They all have one thing in common - they all carry a facial expression that has been locked into that specific state for eternity. Doctors say that this happens due to continual usage of the same expression on a regular basis, resulting in facial muscles freezing into a distorted flux.

Reverting back to this particular case.... The incident happened when Kalavati informed Sidhu about the fact that she had a death in the family - her husband's nephew's mother-in-law's uncle had expired. This reverted Sidhu back to the auto-pilot mode of hysterical laughing "Haa haa heh heh hoo hoo..... ". After he had soiled himself for about the sixth time, he continued "Haa haa heh heh hoo hoo..... so... will he go to hell or a shell? Ha ha hee ho ho.. ", Sidhu constantly rolled and thumped and tossed on the charpai for 3.14 minutes, thumping the laddoo offered to him into a thick paste. Alongside, he went on to recite some incomprehensible verses that sounded something like "Ooye Guru.. Thoko taali thoko taali.... He was like a one-legged man in a bum-kicking competition.... ha ha.." This did not amuse Kalavati and her five supporters. So, she decided to let go of BJP too, and contest as an independent.

When he spoke to The Pioneer after the incident, Sidhu was very upset, but continued laughing, "This was one of the most embarrassing moments of my life... ha ha heh heh ho ho ho... But, you can never unscramble eggs... ha he heh hehe ho...", he signed off without any visible efforts to stop his laughter.

02 October, 2009

D A H I J - The counter-therapy to 'Jihad'

So... here goes part two of the crap...For those who have stumbled here recently, it is important to read the Part 1 to truly appreciate the immortal writings that follow below.

Prelude: In 2009 AD, the political arm (or 'farm'??) of the Right-wing seculars got thrashed in the elections. They needed another alibi to get back to the main-stream. At around the same time, a megalomaniac 'Dalit ki beti' (henceforth, we will call her 'Behenji') was on a memorial-building spree, ribbon-cutting her own statues every other day. Soon, Behenji decided to build a castle for herself. As they say, history repeats itself!! In an interview, the renowned astrologer - Bejan Whisky-wala - propounded that Behenji was actually a re-incarnation of that Mughal 'invader' BABAR!! This became the breaking news for days to come, further aggravating the Hindu right-wing. In order to build her grand mansion, Behenji had demolished everything within the parameters of her 1 lakh sqft abode. Meanwhile, someone informed the Right-wing Hindu fundies that Behenji's mansion is being built on a site where a jail existed some milli-centuries ago. Lord Krishna was born in the same jail. The Right-wing party wanted to celebrate the 6427th birthday of Lord Sri Krishna - and they wanted to do it at the same spot where the jail existed. Needless to mention, this seeded the KRISHNA JANMABHOOMI MOVEMENT - a frenzy for another Ayodhya-like movement....

Read the complete prelude to this article here

Mad-vani, the self-styled-Ironman Leader of the right-wing fundies - a baffling pre-historic member of the Sangho-sauras family - took up the cudgels to 'launch' the KRISHNA-JANMABHOOMI MOVEMENT. His life has been one long journey from crisis to crisis to crisis.. to... crisis.... to... This was his LAST chance to wear his dhoti again and extend his political career by a few yards. Predictably, they decided to launch the Kar Seva movement Part 2.

In a hurriedly called press conference, Mad-vani explained, "We cannot allow the deep traditions of Hindutva to be sabotaged by a few 'invaders'. Behen-ji (the 'Dalit ki beti' a.k.a. Maya-batti) is Babar reincarnated, and we must stop her.... err him.. err..her from destroying the very jail where Lord Sri Krishna was born. We plan to celebrate the Janmasthami at that very site". For a party that calls itself right-wing, it has been getting almost everything wrong. To avoid making anymore mistake(s) or repeating the ones made during the elections, Mad-vani engaged an IIM graduate to 'market' the movement. A top-notch-but-at-verge-of-bankruptcy Investment Bank was appointed to handle the finances. Mad-vani wanted this movement to be fool-proof, you see.

The IIM Marketing graduate branded the movement as 'Dahij'. When queried, he explained, "In terms of spelling, metaphor and intent, this movement is the opposite of 'Jihad'. We are no longer calling our members as Kar Sevaks; they will be addressed as Dahijis or DA-HI-JJoes.", capably highlighting the bold texts and subtle rhyme with G.I. Joe even in spoken sentences. "We have also tied up with Sony to launch a PlayStation version titled 'Da-hi-JJoe', where the followers of Lord Krishna destroy the evil incarnations of Babar, starting from Babar himself through current-day incarnation - Behenji, through different game difficulty levels. But unlike Jihad, our movement will be peaceful. For example, the game will have agarbattis instead of tear-gas shells!!" Print and Media ads were launched where Babar's cartoon gets digitally transformaed into Behen-ji's visage in a 5-second commercial.

In fact that was easy - If you shave off Babar's moustache and tie his beard back onto his head, he would look eerily similar to modern-day Maya-batti. They also launched a book titled "Dihaj for More dummies" in a direct counter to the best-seller original titled "Jihad for Dummies".

Slowly but steadily, the 'movement' started gaining momentum (read: getting murkier by the day). You see, in a population of 1 billion, it is always so easy to get a supeficial thousands to take superficial forays into the superficial practices of Hindutva. The situation was ripe for a catastrophe with Hindu fundies pitted directly against the 'epitome of Dalit upliftment', the controversial Maya-batti mansion. Meanwhile, Behenji was planning to have another mansion built for her just in case the Hindu fundies managed to destroy the original one.

Realising the gravity of the opportunity, the central government also wanted to 'capitalise' and declare President's rule in uttar Pradesh. But, they realised that Uttar Pradesh did not have a Governor. Perhaps, they forgot to appoint a Governor. Or may be, in UP, nobody gives a heck to the Governor...

Another bizarre twist was added to the already intriguing saga of the Dahij movement. The plan was simple: Millions of sadhus were 'requested' to 'descend' 'peacefully' in Kanpur and Lucknow seven days prior to the Janmasthami. The Dahij movement was on the verge of a phenomenal success. Uttar Pradesh was fast transforming into a 'tourist' destination.

Even the NASA released satellite pictures of Kanpur and Lucknow looking all saffron from space. There were millions of Sadhus of all shapes, sizes and colors, and in every denomination of hierarchy. The cities were flush with multitudes of sadhus, the 'Dahijis' - The new ones, the old ones with 'disciples' in tow, nude Dahijis, the semi-nude Dahijis, the bearded Dahijis, the ones who had sharp needles piercing their bodies, and so on.... They were all chanting:
Bhaag jaayegi Behenji,
Jab saamne aayenge Dahiji

All this was quite intimidating. But, Behenji is behenji, the ultimate queen of politics. Just prior to the auspicious day of the great Dahij Movement of dismantling Behenji's 'humble' abode, the sadhus jumped into the Yamuna to take the holy dip. Just around the same time, Behenji had the dam floodgates opened; the gush of water flushed out thousands of Dahijis. On their part, the Dahijis thought that this was God's way of uniting them to their Nirvana.... So... the right-wing party had got it wrong again!! In one swift move, Behenji had brought the movement crashing down... Mad-vani could muster only a few philisophical words: "I feel sad that the mission had to collapse like this; but I also feel good that the Dahijis got moksha. I feel good that I was not there and am alive; but, I feel truly sad that I could not be there at a crucial phase.", leaving all reporters confused if he was happy or sad.

Then the IIM graduate had a flash of brilliance.... "Why not merge Janmasthami with Maya-batti's birthday?" , he muttered under his foul breath. That way, Maya-batti's men can get birthday donations for a valid cause and by celebrating her birthday at her mansion, we would be paying are respect to Lord Krishna on the Janmasthami day!!". That was indeed interesting and a win-win situation for both parties. Now rumours abound that both Mad-vani and Maya-batti liked the idea and may have a video-conference to discuss the modalities. The mere possibility that UP will celebrate Janmasthami and Behenji's birthday on the same day at the same spot (and yes, all of May-batti's birthday collections will officially be part of Janmasthami donations and vice-versa) was a significant event.

We will keep you posted on further developments.

PS: Politicians that they are - they keep lowering the bar every which way.....

Sudarshan is a blooming nerd and has intermittent fits of verbal diarrohea. This is when he vomits on this blog-page. The views expressed on this blog are those of his alter-ego and represent neither his personal thoughts nor those of his organisation, clan or family. In fact, Sudarshan and his (alleged) alter-ego are fine examples of a person using his freedom to the fullest while trying to deny it to his fellow-citizens. The best way to deal with him is to ignore him.