01 January, 2010

Kolkata declares Independence!!

In a startling move that can potentially alter the geo-political landscape of the Indian democracy - wherever it exists - the city of Kolkata declared independence, and demanded being recognized as a sovereign nation. When the residents woke up on the new year of 2010, the local headlines read - "Dawn of a new era - Kolkata joins the league of nations" They even declared a 24-hour bandh to commemorate the event. "We don't need much, and whatever we need, we get it within the city. So, why do we need the rest of the country?", remarked a man known only as Pinaki da, a long-time Kolkata-ite (and thus, also a self-proclaimed intellectual). He further added, "Also, Kolkata is the only city left with the Left and the only place that intellectuals have not left.", showcasing the region's amazing ability to include three 'Lefts in a single sentence. He also pointed to the unique taxonomy of Bengal in general and Kolkata in particular, distinct from the rest of the country, and hence requiring a special status. Explaining further, he blabbered off a series of gripes that the Kolkatans had against India.

"They never show Kolkata on the national weather reports. They ridicule Kolkata, calling it 'Shitty of Joy'. They highlight Bengaluru, Gurgaon and Hyderabad as Metros, deliberately ignoring Kolkata.... They even dropped Ganguly from the Indian team....", retorted Pinaki da, again showcasing the remarkably moronic intellect and extra-planetary logic, so commonly found in the region.

A Bangla Alpha survey reveals that Pinaki's allegations are justified. About 83% of Indians have either never heard of Kolkata or don't give a damn; and the remaining 17% are the Kolkata-ites themselves. Within Kolakta, an amazing 69% said that they don't give a damn to the world outside of the city nation. So, the feeling is mutual. Another important reason for seeking independence has been the gradual decimation of communism in the country. "It is important that we protect our citizens from the miseries of demo-crassy, and thus, establish a soveriegn nation that keeps the light glowing for communist principles....", remarked Mr. Bakulnath Ghosh, convenor of 'Separate Nationhood for Kolkata' to the consternation of all around. In a rare display of solidarity, all local political parties have united for the cause. A 40-member Task Force has been constituted to plan the march to nationhood. Their first task is to identify a leader who can help them cross the ribbon-mark.

As per a public poll, 47% want the incumbent Chief Minister as their leader and another 31% named Ms. Bamata Manerjee. The remaining 22% chanted "Cholbe naa! Cholbe naa!!", as if they are mechanically reflexed to do so at the mere mention of the word 'leader'.

Despite the general applause to the move, there have been pockets of opposition, especially within the Congress. It has criticized the move vehemently, calling it 'anti-poor' and 'elitist'. "This is not in the interest of the common man..", bluffed an angry Kapil Sibal, with the practiced assurance of a party that has used the exact phrase to handle every crisis.

"A separate nationhood has been a long-standing demand of Kolkata, and we are happy that we are here now.", remarked Ghosh babu to anyone who listened, conveniently omitting to add that the rest of the nation is equally elated about this. In a fascinating fallout in New Delhi, demands are being raised to create Patna and Azamgarh as separate nations too. Experts concede that this may just be a win-win situation. While the nation can get rid of Bamata Manner-jee, it may also benefit Kolkata, as potential sneak-ins from Bangladesh will need visas now. Down south in Ooty, a certain Mithun Chakraborty, perpetrator of such atrocities like Dalaal, Chandaal, Yamraaj, Naaraz et al is mighty pleased, "Gee!! I can also have an international release now!!".

In the true spirit of being the first blog to bring latest news to your screen, Talking Skull will be following this to conclusion. We tried speaking to Mrs. Sonia Gandhi to get her views, but she simply said "Uh.. Oh... Umm... ..I am not interested in being the Prime Minister", which, though absolutely irrelevant, is probably true.


Incidentally, if you are a Kolkata-ite and looking for an innovative way to waste your time, your can practise your clicking skills by clicking on the link below.

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12 comments:

rindojustrindo said...

Heh heh. Inspiring. I thinking we should lobby for Bengaluru as a separate City State too! :D

"Fellow Bangaloreans, lend me your ears!..."

Talking Skull said...

Hi Rindo,

Thanks for dropping by.... Yes. Bengaluru should indeed be a separate state, and renamed as Bang-Galore...

Tavish Chadha said...

lol... got here after reading ur comment on my blog post on Now a seperate state for Cyberabad?

very well written...

u r right its does sum up the apprehensions of most of us but there is a community called politicians who can do anything to grab power...

Talking Skull said...

Hi Tavish.

Good to see you dropping by. Yep... while it does help everyone if the states are smaller, but nobody today would trust the political leadership...

Anonymous said...

It is becoz of people like you that kolkata is not progressing. At least kolkata is only city that managed to retain its culture and simplicity while other metros try to copy western nations.

if kolkata is so bad, why do you non-bengalis stay here and not go to bengaluru and hyderabad? you must learn to accept local culture and morality.

the article is humorous but insulting to the sentiments of many. like you did in the previous post for the americans, you should also withdraw this article.

Talking Skull said...

Hello Mr. Anon,

It is frustrating that my posts do not get enough applause from "Anonymous" visitors.... :-( I sincerely apologize for the "lack of identity" that my post has caused you, and I promise to stop forcing you to read them in the future.

Even though it is your fundamental right to visit useless, crappy & disdainful blogsites like mine, you still need to learn the art of avoiding the non-Bengalis. Hopefully, your current hatred for non-Bengalis is a temporary phenomenon. If not, then you have a very bright future in politics....

Believe me, I am trying my level best to understand (and appreciate) the local culture and try to look "local" all the time. Now, I am convinced that I am failing. This should be a good reason for you to call a bandh or burn effigies of this blogsite.

Sorry again (kneel, kneel)!!

Gyanban said...

This year we should all plan for a separate kolkata calendar...
new inclusions - bandh day, riot day, bandh eve, riot eveand riot post hangover day...

Talking Skull said...

Hmm.... Sounds like a good idea considering that 2010 has quite a few national holidays falling on the weekends.

We may even have Ganguly Day, Rabindra Day and Jyoti Basu Day, just to make things more exciting..

To be fair, Kolkata is pretty riot-free. Not because the people here are peace-loving, but more so because nobody likes any kind of physical movement.

neeraj said...

A serious issue presented in a much hilarious rather creative manner! That is the beauty of your writings Sudarshan!

You always make me read your posts till the last word! :)

Talking Skull said...

Hi Neeraj,

Great to see you dropping by. Thanks for the generous compliments.
And, I guess the feeling is mutual, the only difference being your genre weaves around socio-cultural/ daily-life issues.... :-)

indscribe said...

Wonderful. Hilarious. It must be sometime ago when I had laughed after reading something...

Talking Skull said...

@indscribe

Hey... Great to see you dropping by. I am glad that you liked the stuff here. Keep coming sir... :-)



Sudarshan is a blooming nerd and has intermittent fits of verbal diarrohea. This is when he vomits on this blog-page. The views expressed on this blog are those of his alter-ego and represent neither his personal thoughts nor those of his organisation, clan or family. In fact, Sudarshan and his (alleged) alter-ego are fine examples of a person using his freedom to the fullest while trying to deny it to his fellow-citizens. The best way to deal with him is to ignore him.