29 October, 2009

The Great Railways Conspiracy

In an undercover operation conducted by a joint team of CIA and Mossad, it has transpired that the UPA government has been secretly plotting to destroy the Indian Railways. No one ever spoke about this, but many knew this. The move started by taking the Railways portfolio away from Bihar and handing that to West Bengal, which is doing much better nowadays on mis-governance, mis-rule and mis-placed priorities. The Railway ministry - traditionally - has been manned by the most corrupt MP. However, this year, it has been vested with the most ineffective MP - and by sheer coincidence, the lady also happens to be brainless. In order to accelerate the deceleration of Railways, a planned conspiracy to drive away customers was evidenced through the attempted hijack of Rajdhani Express by the Maoists on Tuesday.

The CIA spokesperson, who cannot be named as he is undercover, stressed that more such hijacks are planned across the country. "This particular hijack failed as the assailants were from Waste Bengal. It seems they had some issues with the management and went on hartal mid-way during the crisis, thus leaving the hijack-bid incomplete. But, their counterparts in other states are more diligent and will ensure a proper hijack in the future.", he explained with an emphasized warning. The airlines are happy with the incident, anticipating a windfall of customers this season.

Mr. Pranab Mukherjee addressed the media to clarify the government's stand on the incident. Apparently, Mr. Mukherjee was chosen instead of Mr. Chidambaram because of his unknown proximity to leftists, maoists and naxalites. Mr. Mukherjee announced with uncharacteristic firmness, "Bhat do the Naxals and Maoists have as a plan? Bhy don't they be a part of the mainsthream?" He further added, "The gobhernment is ready to have a re-elecshan in the entire Red Corridor, which will be free and fair.", thus feeding credence to the allegations that the earlier elections were rigged. "So, all - including the marginalized - can participate in the gala ebhent and vote again. We are sure that we bhill win again. Even if we don't, we can always send 25,000 more army-men to extend the misery of 'dhemocracy' to the Red Corridor!!", he signed off. In a gratifying deviation from the past, Mr. Chidambaram also toed the same line, "These people are insane!! We are trying to forcibly establish an inefficient and corrupt pseudo-democracy on this country and they have issues with this too!! What do they want? A dictatorship under the Gandhis?", he thundered in his inimitable squeaky voice.

In the frenzied commotion, the activists and intelligentsia - erstwhile ignored - also decided to hold a joint conference. By now, it should be pretty clear to anyone even remotely hooked to current affairs, to understand that by simple virtue of being an 'Activist', you can claim intellectual superiority. Yes, it is just so simple.

In an unprecedented, candid and audacious move, the renowned-author-degenerated-to-intellectual, Ms. Arun-dhoti Rai, the anti-establishment activist with extreme views that are ... well.. anti-establishment, has condemned the attack by the Maoists that failed to kill even a single passenger. She has condemned the way the entire incident had been man-handled. It was - however - not clear whether she was unhappy with the rich government's failure to kill the poor or with the poor Maoists' failure to kill the rich!! In a press briefing called in Bhopal, where she has been demanding compensation for the great-great-great-grandchildren of the Bhopal Gas victims, she clarified that the poor of the country will not be intimated by the United States, before realizing that the USA had nothing to do with this. "Err... OK... but, the braking mechanism for the Rajdhanis come from the US. They had deliberately planted extra-sensitive brakes to ensure that the train halts immediately from a speed of 120 kmph, when blocked by the maoists.", she clarified. Explaining the act of the 'kidnapping' the Rajdhani Express by the Maoists as a natural response to pollution, she demanded that railways must not run on engines. "We should revert to old days of horse-drawn carriages. We need to....", she managed to mutter before being shoved aside by the PETA activists.

As a tradition, the leading opposition party, the BJP also pressed for the resignation by the Home Minister and Prime Minister. Strangely, the BJP had no issues with Ms. Mamata Banerjee continuing as the Railways Sinister, again strengthening the speculation of a sinister conspiracy to 'kill' the Indian Railways.

No one ever spoke about this, but many - including me - knew this. The Talking Skull is closely following the developments and will keep its 5-odd readers updated on further developments.


Madhu | INDImag.com said...

Sid, this was awesome ! I wanted to affirm I was not missing any post so did a few random rounds and man am I glad i stopped by you blog again :-)

I've seen very few posts that can successfully parody current events and evoke laughter. This had me laughing all along ..

Talking Skull said...

Hi Madhu, Thanks a million for the ultra-nice comment. By the way, you also write extremely well, I do read IndiMag regularly.

I guess I need to build a habit of commenting on others' blogs (including yours!!). I never realised the "socializing" potential of blogging... :-)

Thanks again.

Sudarshan is a blooming nerd and has intermittent fits of verbal diarrohea. This is when he vomits on this blog-page. The views expressed on this blog are those of his alter-ego and represent neither his personal thoughts nor those of his organisation, clan or family. In fact, Sudarshan and his (alleged) alter-ego are fine examples of a person using his freedom to the fullest while trying to deny it to his fellow-citizens. The best way to deal with him is to ignore him.