02 October, 2009

D A H I J - The counter-therapy to 'Jihad'

So... here goes part two of the crap...For those who have stumbled here recently, it is important to read the Part 1 to truly appreciate the immortal writings that follow below.

Prelude: In 2009 AD, the political arm (or 'farm'??) of the Right-wing seculars got thrashed in the elections. They needed another alibi to get back to the main-stream. At around the same time, a megalomaniac 'Dalit ki beti' (henceforth, we will call her 'Behenji') was on a memorial-building spree, ribbon-cutting her own statues every other day. Soon, Behenji decided to build a castle for herself. As they say, history repeats itself!! In an interview, the renowned astrologer - Bejan Whisky-wala - propounded that Behenji was actually a re-incarnation of that Mughal 'invader' BABAR!! This became the breaking news for days to come, further aggravating the Hindu right-wing. In order to build her grand mansion, Behenji had demolished everything within the parameters of her 1 lakh sqft abode. Meanwhile, someone informed the Right-wing Hindu fundies that Behenji's mansion is being built on a site where a jail existed some milli-centuries ago. Lord Krishna was born in the same jail. The Right-wing party wanted to celebrate the 6427th birthday of Lord Sri Krishna - and they wanted to do it at the same spot where the jail existed. Needless to mention, this seeded the KRISHNA JANMABHOOMI MOVEMENT - a frenzy for another Ayodhya-like movement....

Read the complete prelude to this article here

Mad-vani, the self-styled-Ironman Leader of the right-wing fundies - a baffling pre-historic member of the Sangho-sauras family - took up the cudgels to 'launch' the KRISHNA-JANMABHOOMI MOVEMENT. His life has been one long journey from crisis to crisis to crisis.. to... crisis.... to... This was his LAST chance to wear his dhoti again and extend his political career by a few yards. Predictably, they decided to launch the Kar Seva movement Part 2.

In a hurriedly called press conference, Mad-vani explained, "We cannot allow the deep traditions of Hindutva to be sabotaged by a few 'invaders'. Behen-ji (the 'Dalit ki beti' a.k.a. Maya-batti) is Babar reincarnated, and we must stop her.... err him.. err..her from destroying the very jail where Lord Sri Krishna was born. We plan to celebrate the Janmasthami at that very site". For a party that calls itself right-wing, it has been getting almost everything wrong. To avoid making anymore mistake(s) or repeating the ones made during the elections, Mad-vani engaged an IIM graduate to 'market' the movement. A top-notch-but-at-verge-of-bankruptcy Investment Bank was appointed to handle the finances. Mad-vani wanted this movement to be fool-proof, you see.

The IIM Marketing graduate branded the movement as 'Dahij'. When queried, he explained, "In terms of spelling, metaphor and intent, this movement is the opposite of 'Jihad'. We are no longer calling our members as Kar Sevaks; they will be addressed as Dahijis or DA-HI-JJoes.", capably highlighting the bold texts and subtle rhyme with G.I. Joe even in spoken sentences. "We have also tied up with Sony to launch a PlayStation version titled 'Da-hi-JJoe', where the followers of Lord Krishna destroy the evil incarnations of Babar, starting from Babar himself through current-day incarnation - Behenji, through different game difficulty levels. But unlike Jihad, our movement will be peaceful. For example, the game will have agarbattis instead of tear-gas shells!!" Print and Media ads were launched where Babar's cartoon gets digitally transformaed into Behen-ji's visage in a 5-second commercial.

In fact that was easy - If you shave off Babar's moustache and tie his beard back onto his head, he would look eerily similar to modern-day Maya-batti. They also launched a book titled "Dihaj for More dummies" in a direct counter to the best-seller original titled "Jihad for Dummies".

Slowly but steadily, the 'movement' started gaining momentum (read: getting murkier by the day). You see, in a population of 1 billion, it is always so easy to get a supeficial thousands to take superficial forays into the superficial practices of Hindutva. The situation was ripe for a catastrophe with Hindu fundies pitted directly against the 'epitome of Dalit upliftment', the controversial Maya-batti mansion. Meanwhile, Behenji was planning to have another mansion built for her just in case the Hindu fundies managed to destroy the original one.

Realising the gravity of the opportunity, the central government also wanted to 'capitalise' and declare President's rule in uttar Pradesh. But, they realised that Uttar Pradesh did not have a Governor. Perhaps, they forgot to appoint a Governor. Or may be, in UP, nobody gives a heck to the Governor...

Another bizarre twist was added to the already intriguing saga of the Dahij movement. The plan was simple: Millions of sadhus were 'requested' to 'descend' 'peacefully' in Kanpur and Lucknow seven days prior to the Janmasthami. The Dahij movement was on the verge of a phenomenal success. Uttar Pradesh was fast transforming into a 'tourist' destination.

Even the NASA released satellite pictures of Kanpur and Lucknow looking all saffron from space. There were millions of Sadhus of all shapes, sizes and colors, and in every denomination of hierarchy. The cities were flush with multitudes of sadhus, the 'Dahijis' - The new ones, the old ones with 'disciples' in tow, nude Dahijis, the semi-nude Dahijis, the bearded Dahijis, the ones who had sharp needles piercing their bodies, and so on.... They were all chanting:
Bhaag jaayegi Behenji,
Jab saamne aayenge Dahiji

All this was quite intimidating. But, Behenji is behenji, the ultimate queen of politics. Just prior to the auspicious day of the great Dahij Movement of dismantling Behenji's 'humble' abode, the sadhus jumped into the Yamuna to take the holy dip. Just around the same time, Behenji had the dam floodgates opened; the gush of water flushed out thousands of Dahijis. On their part, the Dahijis thought that this was God's way of uniting them to their Nirvana.... So... the right-wing party had got it wrong again!! In one swift move, Behenji had brought the movement crashing down... Mad-vani could muster only a few philisophical words: "I feel sad that the mission had to collapse like this; but I also feel good that the Dahijis got moksha. I feel good that I was not there and am alive; but, I feel truly sad that I could not be there at a crucial phase.", leaving all reporters confused if he was happy or sad.

Then the IIM graduate had a flash of brilliance.... "Why not merge Janmasthami with Maya-batti's birthday?" , he muttered under his foul breath. That way, Maya-batti's men can get birthday donations for a valid cause and by celebrating her birthday at her mansion, we would be paying are respect to Lord Krishna on the Janmasthami day!!". That was indeed interesting and a win-win situation for both parties. Now rumours abound that both Mad-vani and Maya-batti liked the idea and may have a video-conference to discuss the modalities. The mere possibility that UP will celebrate Janmasthami and Behenji's birthday on the same day at the same spot (and yes, all of May-batti's birthday collections will officially be part of Janmasthami donations and vice-versa) was a significant event.

We will keep you posted on further developments.

PS: Politicians that they are - they keep lowering the bar every which way.....


Aditya said...

oh my god-another killer article./ keep writing more man. You seriously rock :)

Talking Skull said...

@Aditya: Thanks. These simple words make our day!! I'm glad that you like my writing..

Sudarshan is a blooming nerd and has intermittent fits of verbal diarrohea. This is when he vomits on this blog-page. The views expressed on this blog are those of his alter-ego and represent neither his personal thoughts nor those of his organisation, clan or family. In fact, Sudarshan and his (alleged) alter-ego are fine examples of a person using his freedom to the fullest while trying to deny it to his fellow-citizens. The best way to deal with him is to ignore him.