07 November, 2009

If I were a baby again....

Me Baby again!! The attack of the Adopto-maniacs!!

CIRCA 2020
We were living in curious times. A Hindu Right-wing organization deduced that the Rig Veda was rigged!! This innocuous piece of diatribe sent shivers through the heavens. No God had ever been accused of corruption. They had been accused by the human race of inefficiency, procrastination and favoritism, but never of corruption!!

For someone who had been ruining running the universe for a dog light-years, Brahma decided to restart from scratch, and re-build an earth that would not have wars, crimes, politics, pollution... etc.... and not even 'corrupt Gods' etc. One of his trainee interns suggested that babies are the most pristine form of human beings, and may be, the new world should have only babies as the citizens. Brahma liked the concept and forwarded the note to the United Gods' Commission. To jump the story short, the resolution was finally accepted in the United Gods' Convention.

Some Gods - especially the Chinese ones - were horrified at the thought and so they decided to do it step by step - 'baby-fy' the least productive and most boring country first and see how this 'Pilot' worked. That's how India's citizens were destined to a transformation into BABIES. A ray of bright light dawned on 1st Jan 2020 and BIFF!! India was a "Baby Country" now - a populace of 1.5 billion babies, yours truly included. That is approximately the number of Christians and Muslims and Hindus and Muslim apologists and Hindu apologists (and other apologists and miscellanea ad nausea) India will have in 2020. In fact, we were faced with a Baby Crisis... .. and other assorted crisis. For example, I was a baby, and my father and my grandfather were babies too - and there was no generation gap!!
Switch to a tense present tense in Circa 2020
Apparently, the universe is flooded with rumours that this has excited Angelina Jolie Pitt. Given the plentiful choice available now, the serial-baby-adoption-maniac is interested in adopting her next kid from India. We are still dealing with a 'sources said' gossip, but it sounds pretty believable. Angelina has been known to adopt kids from craziest of places and already owns an island full of babies. Casting some Indian extras in her household will provide a cutting-edge balance to the ethnic-mix.
Full-page advertisements were published in leading as well as mis-leading dailies. My dad got interested in the deal, "This sounds good!! We have the opportunity of a lifetime to get rid of this white elephant, ....with due apologies to the elephants!!", he remarked pointing at me. "Well... even I would not mind letting Angelina adopt you, father. Mind it, you are a baby too now. But then, the last thing I want is to have Angelina as my grandmom. So, pardon you!!", I retorted. "It was hell bringing him up for 30 years. And, we can't start all over again!!", my father sounded my mom, wrapping me in onion-like layers of the new diaper, "And... ...let me tell you that the society is fed of this leech; and he may as well try enriching the American culture with his blasphemous habits. "

On the auspicious day, some of the most disposable babies were crib-lined for Angelina to choose from. I was positioned in the 7th crib from left. Apparently, Angelina Jolie got immediately attracted to my crib, because to my pot-belly protruding four-fifth outwards. "This baby is huge! Was he ever small at any point of his lifetime?", she asked looking at me. Before she could proceed, Hollywood's latest adopto-phile, Madonna appeared in a yogic posture demanding the first right to rejection. "You zee, I have a more durable relationzhip with Indhiaa, and this particular boy - whatzhhis name... ...emm... Sudarzhan... should be under my care." This let loose another public brawl between Angelina and Madonna, with both of them pulling my arms in opposite directions, unconcerned of my writhing pain. As an adult, driven by my hormonal instincts, I would have lusted for this 'affection'. But in a 'babified form', these were menacing and painful advances. I looked around, and saw rest of the babies in the far corner. The pain of the two Holly-ladies slugging over me was unbearable, and for the first time in my life, I wanted to be a 'common man'.... oops... 'common baby'.

It is the third day now, and the marathon slugfest on my adoption continues into a still-unfolding story. I am just now sorting through a whole mine-field of convolutions and grappling with a stir-fry of emoticons. For example, I have forgotten whose baby I am except that I know I am a baby now. I can still see my father - a fellow baby now - thoroughly enjoying the Almighty's successful biological experiment that has pushed me into this weird, traumatic, psychological complication. Arrghhhh....

This post was published by me as a part of the Blog-a-Ton 4, the fourth edition of the online marathon of Bloggers; and - needless to mention - was a loser hands-down. The fellow Blog-a-Tonics, most of whom did better than me in this event and links to their respective posts can be checked here. My personal suggestion will be to never ever visit or follow Blog-a-Ton.

36 comments:

Vipul Grover said...

Hi buddy.. nice 2 hav u onboard.. will gt back 2 read this post as um sure its gonna b hilarious.. bt the reason 4 which i dropped by right now is 2 request u 2 change the title as per the rules (no alternative title has been categorically mentioned).. if i relax thm 4 one prsn, i'll hav 2 do it for evryone.. u cn use ur title as a subtitle within the post.. I hop u find this request not tht demanding :)

Talking Skull said...

Hi Vipul,
Sorry for inadvertently floting the rules. Actually, I gave it a long thought if "IF I WERE A BABY AGAIN" needs to be replaced by the blog-title. But, seeing others, I decided to play safe and write the title separately. I have re-posted my links.

Dhiman said...

@Vipul Man you are damn right this one is hilarious ....


@Sudarshan Lol :D ... you must be a very strong baby as you are in 1 piece after 3 days of tug-of-war by the Adoptomaniacs ;)

Talking Skull said...

Thanks Dhiman. I was pretty 'strong' (read: stout) as a baby, my parents tell me. The ruggedness of life made me thin.... :-)

SUSH said...

Ha ha... ROFL.. :-D

Rig Veda was rigged - Immortal

Full-page advertisements were published in leading as well as mis-leading dailies. - That's so true....

Keep blogging friend..

Daisy Blue said...

I bet this is the one post that holds star pictures instead of babies :P

Talking Skull said...

@SUSH
Thanks. I am glad that you liked it..

@Daisy Blue
This is also the only post where we travel to future (yr 2020) to become a baby

Mahesh Kalaal said...

I am standing and clapping for your creativity, uniqueness, originality and mostly the the unsaid sarcasm on many issues.....
loved it....both the content and the narration.....
Imagination at its best....
Contemporary and relevant ...
I may end up voting you before i complete other readings....
keep creating... :)

cheers,
mahesh

Talking Skull said...

Hi Mahesh: This is THE BEST COMMENT I have ever got in my 8-months of blogging. A zillion thanks. I have been awake all night completing a client presentation (was busy writing the post on Fri-Sat), and you gave me the nicotine I needed to keep awake. ThanQ again...

I had read your post earlier in the day and you are in my current Top-6 list too.... :-) Incidentally, I was unable to comment on your post as the "Comments" link goes right under the "Links" hperlink on my browser (IE). Will try again tomorrow. Meanwhile, you may want to rectify this.

Karthik said...

Rig veda was rigged! lol... :D
This post has got to be the best I've read so far. Wonderful imagination! Phrases such as 'babified form' makes it all the more adorable. :-)
It was a fabulous read.

ηανєєη said...

lols ... divine baby-fication !!! thats creativity

MADHU RAO | (INDImag.COM) said...

Sorry sir, somehow missed your blog yesterday.

Wow you have a fertile imagination. I'm still laughing at the crib-lined for Jolie quip :-)

Good one..

Talking Skull said...

@Karthik: Thanks buddy. I am glad that you liked it.

@Naveen: I feel good that I could give you a 'Sunday laugh'

Thanks all for reading and encouraging comments. Comments are a blogger's salary - it keeps him motivated to blog more...

Talking Skull said...

@Mahu

Hey.. Thanks for dropping by. Why sorry?? It's not easy to go thro' 40 odd blogs in a day (that too on the same darned topic)....

We posted our comments simultaneously... The "Thanks all... blogger's salary... motivetd" comment above is applicable for your comments also... :-)

Guria said...

The idea was hilarious, the execution, better! Rather than just funny, it was sarcastic, and I love nothing more... The baby-fication was the icing! :)
All the best for Blog-a-Ton 4, you are pretty near the top, I'm sure!

Shankar said...

A very hilarious take on the topic buddy...really good one...
the way u started with brahma... then India as a baby country was really very creative...

and angelina and madonna adopting u..ha.. ha.. that was really good... good one buddy...really nice...

all the best for blog-a-ton..

narendra said...

yes yes this is damn funny...orgainsation of gods..and babifying ..wow hos did you think of this?

the satire in here makes it perfect..:)
you certainly have high chances in BAT4 for taking a rather different approach..

evanescentthoughts said...

Hahaha..that was too funny :) nice read.. and nice pics :P (of babes instead of babies)

Talking Skull said...

Hi,

@Guria: What a piece of encouragement from the defending champ!!... :-) Million Thanks

@Shankar: Thanks Shankar. I feel good that you liked it.

Sorry for the delayed and bland response to your comments above. I am on business travel with limited and intermittent access to the net.

Talking Skull said...

@Narendra: It feels great that you liked the post. BTW, your post was fantastic too, and is amongst the top on my voting list.... :-)

@evanescentthoughts: That's something for a pseudo-name!! ... :-) Babes: May be, that can be the next BaT topic... :-P We will definitely see a 100+ entries then... :-P

PS: Sorry for the delayed & bland response to your comments above. I am on business travel with limited and intermittent access to the net.

debosmita said...

This is too good...too too good...This was one absolutely hilarious take on what supposedly is a fun topic, with a completely different perspective :-D

once again, at the cost of sounding repetitive - too good :-D

Chetan said...

oh.entirely different take on the topic..
you have written very well

neeraj said...

Hilarious as always!!! :)))

Prashant Mehta said...

ROTFL!

The imagery used are really humorous. This is certainly one of the better posts on this topic.

Shruti said...

A clear winner!
*claps claps*
Hilarious and its beautiful!
Till now, I feel like voting you! Cos, still I have 6 posts to read! But You are Awesome man! The beginning with brahma...too good!

aativas said...

No generation gap because even your dad is a baby.. ha! ha! And the adoption.. indeed a good post!

Talking Skull said...

Hiyo all... Thanks a million for the elating comments.
@Debosmita: Thanks. One more "too good" and I'd have fallen over... :-)
@Cheatn, Neeraj: Thanks
@Prashant: I'm glad that you liked the post.

Talking Skull said...

@Shruti: That's a very nice comment from a 'veteran'.... :-) Thanks a million.

@Aativas: Good to see u here - Thanks for the heartening comments.

I'm happy that I could 'evoke' some laughter (and eyeballs too... :-) thro' this post...

neeraj said...

Huff... it just took me 2 days to read all the posts! I read all of the posts on Blog-a-ton and have come up with 2 deserving posts (except mine). I am a raving fan of your creativity! Your posts has a lure for hilarious ideas, original and unbeatable! Being a baby again, well you have done a justice to this topic in the true sense. Most of the posts I came across, sounded monotonous. Next to your post, I like Vipul's creativity too! But you were simply outstanding for me!

Applause Applause Applause !!!

Sudarshan, I am voting for you - that's the least I can do for you!

Talking Skull said...

Hi Neeraj: I saw your one-line comment earlier, and was somewhat worried as to how much you liked the post... :-) And this comment simply made my day.

Despite our diametrically different genre, ours is a mutual admiration 'society'... :-) With comments coming from friends like you (and Madhu, Guria, Kshitij, Narendra, et al) whose blogs I also read regularly, every word of praise/raves/rants is worth millions.

Thanks again is all I can say. Your vote means a lot lot lot more than Blog-a-ton to me.... .. b'coz, in a sense, you are also the consumer for my blog... :-)

neeraj said...

My one-liner comment earlier was just an evaluation! I have done it for almost every participants. Then I closed my eyes and re-collected them all! Hence the decision! :)

Vipul Grover said...

still laughing out loud.. very unique take on the issue.. despite the topic being a so called 'fun topic', good humour was sumthing tht was missing frm this time's blog-a-ton.. thr u r the saviour :D

Talking Skull said...

Hi Vipul,
Great to see you here and glad that u liked the stuff.

Incidentally, you were the first one to comment, and considering that tomorrow is the D-Day, you will probably be the last one too... :-) (hopefully not!!)

AJai said...

he he.. hilarious. but that was truly an ingenious way to get close to angelina. gosh if only we could really make it happen. ;)

Talking Skull said...

Hi AJai. Glad that you liked the stuff. Well... both of them are on the wrong side of mid-thirties.... I'll prefer someone(s) younger.... :-P

Anonymous said...

great post. I would love to follow you on twitter. By the way, did you guys know that some chinese hacker had hacked twitter yesterday again.
[url=http://amazon.reviewazone.com/]Elizabeth[/url]



Sudarshan is a blooming nerd and has intermittent fits of verbal diarrohea. This is when he vomits on this blog-page. The views expressed on this blog are those of his alter-ego and represent neither his personal thoughts nor those of his organisation, clan or family. In fact, Sudarshan and his (alleged) alter-ego are fine examples of a person using his freedom to the fullest while trying to deny it to his fellow-citizens. The best way to deal with him is to ignore him.